I’m listening to a mellow CD here in the office, Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, put together by Dan. He gave one to a total stranger from Freecycle and made one for each of us. It’s very soothing music, just what I need now. I always loved this group, and this excellent collection underscores why.

I haven’t been able to do my job—close out drop shipments—because the system has been down since I got in this morning. Since that is my entire job at this point, I’ve been sitting here, surfing the net, reading my e-mail and looking as busy as possible in my exposed-to-the-world desk.

I got an interesting phone call last week, from a guy named Bob. He and I share the same birth date, 12/14, but he’s a few years my senior. We’ve always gotten along very well together, and both of us got ourselves in deep doo-doo with the USPS that nearly cost us our jobs. So we have a somewhat similar history, although while I’ve retained my lowly job, he recently won a high-level job at the Western Nassau VMF. With all my difficulties with Gary, I wrote Bob a while back, asking him to keep me in mind if an opening should come up in his department.

Apparently he now has two, but he doesn’t know if there’s any way he can just slide me into them, given I’m a Mid Island employee and that’s a Western Nassau position. Bob spoke to Gary first, asking if it was all right with him if he took me out of here, and Gary is so eager to get rid of me, he said if it was necessary for me to bring him up on Redress charges to make this happen, it would be fine with him! Imagine how badly he wants to get me out of here! I don’t know if I should be proud or insulted!

I have to mention what happened Friday morning when I punched on the clock. Connie came in and neglected to say “Good morning“ to me, so when we met at the clock, I said it to her. She immediately attacked me, accusing me of trying to be nice to her after what I said Thursday, how I made fun of her behind her back. It actually took me a few moments to recall what she was talking about, but then I remembered Charlie complaining that he was stressed out. So I said, ”Oh, you’re stressed out? Do you need your own office? I’m stressed out too, I guess we all need our own offices!” Connie overheard this, and apparently chewed on it overnight from Thursday to Friday and chose to go at me Friday morning before she lost her nerve. “Do you want to go into Gary’s office and talk about this?” she demanded. I answered yes, the first word I’d been able to interject in quite a while, but after we punched in and I followed her, presumably to go into Gary’s office, but she raced into her own and slammed the door in my face after making it clear that the only discussion between us from now on would be business-oriented.

Whew! I knew Connie couldn’t take a joke, but this too much. I wish she’d just sat down and discussed it with me instead of yelling at me in front of everyone in the office. And of course, she left me in the hallway when Gary came out and demanded, “What’s that all about?” I briefly explained, realizing all that asshole was going to get out of it was that I upset HIS CONNIE and this was yet another good reason to get rid of Robin, the perpetual thorn in his side.
Western Nassau would be a longer trip, true, but I remember every time I’ve gone there, everyone looks so happy! And Bob assures me his department is a virtual country club and I’d love working there. He mentioned putting me in as a Tool & Parts clerk, and when I explained I don’t know anything about doing that work, he assured me it was really just clerical and I could handle it with no trouble at all.

After my run-in with Connie, I went to Karen’s office to vent. Turns out Nina, who was working in Maintenance in the very stressful job of Purchasing, has been detailed into Karen’s office, so I had a chance to talk to them together. They were very sweet to me, reassuring me Connie had overreacted and she WAS given the job only because she was threatening to go work in Dispatch and Gary didn’t want to lose her. This is what Connie does—she pulls the spoiled cop’s daughter card and essentially blackmails Gary into doing what she wants. She got a Special Achievement Award out of him that way, too. Yet I got bupkus! I guess I need to change my tactics, huh?

Dan wanted to buy a wrestling pay-per-view last night and tried his damndest to corral Austin into coming over to watch along with him and Mike and Bob into chipping in part of the $40 and accepting a tape of the high-def event. As it turned out, neither Bob nor Austin wanted in, so Dan went to Mike’s to watch, where at least Mike, as a Cablevision employee, gets a lower rate. I felt rather guilty about it, truth be told, because here I am, heading to Florida for a SUPERNATURAL convention in April, where I have already spent a LOT of money and will probably spend A LOT more. I guess I want to punish him for working a job paying $110 less per week by making his sacrifice something. It’s bitchy of me, I know, but I can’t help myself!

I stayed up until 11 PM last night, rare for me, but I was watching a Hallmark TV movie and wanted to watch the end. It was a weeper about a young girl who learns she has leukemia and goes home to make amends with her next-door neighbor, whose baby daughter died in an accident while she was babysitting her. It was very well acted by Amber Tamblyn as the sick girl whose family rallies round to help her when they finally learn she’s ill. I just couldn’t go to bed without finding out what happened, and once I did, I couldn’t go to sleep. When Dan came to bed, he couldn’t put on his C-pap mask because he’d neglected to put in the filter he’d cleaned and thus began snoring! So I slept poorly last night and am exhausted today.

We get a new episode of SUPERNATURAL this Thursday, thank God, and then three more in subsequent weeks. Then the CW is removing it from the schedule altogether, although we’re doing what we can to change their minds. We want reruns, damn it!

Love, Robin

Heath Ledger, a 28-year-old, talented and promising young actor, died this week. Although they aren’t sure what killed him, it appears prescription drugs are most likely the cause. We lost Brad Renfro, another young actor, last week.

This makes me fear for Jensen and Jared. They’re in the same age group and at the same risk as the rest of us. Hell, with all the crap I’m taking, including the newly-added Lyrica, I could go to sleep, as Heath apparently did, and not awaken. But I’m 54, and Jensen and Jared are still puppies in their 20’s. I fear for them because the acting profession sometimes seems to be an unlucky place for some people—like Heath, Brad, John Candy, John Belushi, River Phoenix and others who had too much money and lived lives of excess that killed them.

Perhaps filming in Vancouver will save Jensen and Jared? I pray so. I worry about my son, too. He was talking about spending $30 on one glass of booze the other day, just to see if it tasted as good as it costs. Because he can now; he’s bringing in a lot of money and he feels he can afford it.

Why does that bother me so much?

I showed Tracey a different side of me this week. I took off two days of annual leave, one on Friday, at the beginning of the weekend, the other on Tuesday, after the Monday Martin Luther King holiday. So I had five day weekend! When I saw her, I was fresh off five days away from work and in a very good, spunky mood. She saw the non-working Robin, and I think I surprised her with my light and frothy side.

I hung up my posters of Jensen and Jared in the upstairs hallway. They look nice. I was having trouble keeping the blasted frame in place on Jensen’s poster; one side kept falling off. I finally used bits of gum pulled from the wad in my mouth to secure the frame. It held nicely. Problem solved!

I didn’t do very much, really. I took naps most days, went to the gym three days of five. Friday, I was heading out to the gym, but when I realized it was a warm, beautiful day, I drove instead to Brady Park and walked twice around the lake, more than 30 minutes of trees, fresh air and nature. It was warm, the sky was a stunning blue, ducks, Canadian geese and startling white swans glided over the lake and I thanked God for giving me such a gorgeous day.

I guess the weekend was the usual, going to the gym (Dan is feeling much better, physically, now that he’s working in Customer Service), running necessary errands. I took a couple of naps, too, as I recall. I do so love it when Bugsy and Snaps cuddle up to me and we sleep together! But I hate to waste 2-3 hours sleeping, even though my body apparently needs it. I think the Lyrica is making me even more tired than usual, too.

Monday, I went to the gym, then stopped off to pick up my renewed Lyrica prescription from Wal-Mart. I raced home to meet Brad, who was taking me out for lunch. He drove, very fast, to a BBQ place we’d gone to and enjoyed a few months ago, but they were closed. So we went across the street to a diner PACKED with people who were also off for Martin Luther King Day. We had to wait for a table!

I cannot describe how wonderful it was to sit and talk with Brad as equals, two adults discussing his relationship with his girlfriend, his work, my work, Dan’s situation at his job—damn, everything! Brad wished he could talk to his father the same way, and not have them trade barbs and jokes all the time instead of seriously speaking to each other. He also said he felt kind of bad that all he ever does is insult his dad, and I told him if he wants to talk seriously to his father, all he has to do is tell him.

Why is it that the things that should be easy are so hard for us sometimes?

We both ordered chicken Caesar wraps with fries (he ordered home friends instead). Lunch came with soup, coffee and dessert for $10. I think that’s a bit pricey for lunch, but he was good with it, and he was happy to take me out. I listen to him talk about his work and think what an intelligent, passionate young man he is (even if he’s still up in the air about his love life). I don’t think he even minds paying us $400 per month. He knows we need it, and that’s good enough for him. *I* still mind, though.

Coming back to work has been weird, because Gary is speaking to me again. We’d stopped even acknowledging each other’s presence before I went on my mini vacation, but now he’s speaking to me, and as long as he says “Good morning” first, I respond in kind. Perhaps Mike is right—keep your friends close, your enemies closer. I hung up the letter from the Manager, BSN Operations for all to see, so at least everyone knows there IS a manager who appreciates me, even if it isn’t my own. As for the tickets, two went to Dan and Mike, two went to Sharon and I, who saw 27 DRESSES last Friday and had dinner at a nice little Mexican restaurant. We really had a great time together, but when don’t we? I adore that woman, and the feeling is mutual.

All my plans are made for attending EYECON in Orlando, FL. So far, Jared Padalecki and several other co-stars from the show are appearing, but not Jensen, at least not so far. I’m still hoping! I have my roomie, Amy, from one of the lists, and lots of other fans from the dean_sam Flist are going, so I’ll be meeting some new friends, hopefully! It’s going to be wild, that much I’m sure of, and probably all days with little sleep!

Love, Robin

It’s ironic that Tracey, who is sick, cancelled our appointment today when I got bad news from Dan and really could use some venting time.

Dan’s miserable company finally placed him in a job where he won’t have to run around picking orders and wrecking his knees and feet—Customer Service. Problem is, he was working five hours overtime all those years, and now he won’t be, so his salary will be cut by $110 per week.

It’s bad enough that Dan hasn’t seen a raise—not one dime—in five years because they’ve claimed he was making more than Assistant Supervisors should be making, but even when they demoted him and made him a clerk, they didn’t cut his salary—or his hours.

Now this. That’s a loss of $440 per month, which is more than my car payment, which we have to start paying next month. We just shelled out $4,000 for the first half of our taxes, so our monthly cost for that plus insurance is $800 per month. Add on gasoline, the phone bills (cell and land line), Dan’s car payment, electric, gas, oil—we need MORE money, not less!

Poor Dan. He sounds as if he really likes the customer service gig, too. He asked if he could work overtime in his old department five hours a week to make up the money shortfall, but since they have never before allowed anyone to overlap two departments, I doubt they’ll say yes.

I texted Brad, warning him that we might have to ask him to pitch in for rent to make up the shortfall in Dan’s paycheck. If we asked him to kick in $400 per month, that’s a hell of a lot less than he’d pay for his own apartment. Besides his bedroom, he’s taken over another two rooms in the house for his office and storage space for his paperwork. I really didn’t want to have to ask him to pay anything, but that’s not really asking a lot, is it? He’d pay plenty more if he had his own place, plus utilities.

I finally got some recognition for my efforts here at work! No, not from Gary, but from Charlie, the head of Business Mail Entry, who sent me a letter and two movie tickets to thank me for helping them out on so many occasions. I wrote to thank Charlie for the Letter of Appreciation, lamenting that my own manager hasn’t acknowledged my efforts in any manner whatsoever. The original letter and movie tickets were “lost” in the mail getting here, so Gaby, the Plant Manager, replaced them. Betty, my supervisor, who has been very pleased with my performance, told me if the letter and tickets show up, she wants me to keep them, even though Gary ordered her to have me return them to Gaby. I’m glad Betty is on my side, too. I realize I have no power against Gary, but keeping four tickets to spite him is a little victory, right? LOL!

I’ve put in to take a couple of days off—Friday of this week and Tuesday of next week. That gives me a five-day weekend. Ideally, I’d like to straighten up my house and give myself time to relax, go to the gym and play with Bugsy and Snapple. I may have to re-work our budget, too!
Life sure throws us curve balls, doesn’t it?

I AM annoyed with Dan, who has never made decent money in all the years we’ve been married. He never earned enough to support me so I could stay home, not even close. I’ve always been the major breadwinner, the spouse making the most money, and what the post office pays us has never kept up with inflation. So yes, I resent my husband who, though smart and hard-working, never had what it takes to become a success in business. And I curse his company, which never appreciated him enough to recognize his gifts and promote him or pay him what he was worth, and now are paying him a joke of a salary.

I don’t have Tracey today, so I’m venting instead to my blog. It’s good to have somewhere to go when you need to spew venom, isn’t it?

YEAH!

Love, Robin

Hi, there! Robin reporting from the rabbit hole—or at least it feels that way.

After my e-mail outburst last week, berating Gary (and Clyde, which really wasn’t right on my part) for sending me a zero-balance Marshall’s Christmas card on top of all the OTHER discriminatory shit Gary has heaped on me, Betty sat down and told me my managers had made an appointment for me to see Emily, the EAP counselor. Emily is the company shrink, and I’ve known her for years. I consulted with her when I was working for the VMF and having all my problems with Bruce, Brenda and Joanne turning my life to total hell and giving me my very first panic attack (which I thought was a heart attack and went to a hospital by ambulance).

I guess Gary took my screaming-meemie e-mail as something that required action—I was overreacting to what turned out to be a computer glitch (all three cards purchased by Clyde’s wife came up zero). As soon as I realized that, I apologized to Clyde and we had a nice, long talk about everything. He was hurt that I lumped him in with Gary, and honestly, I didn’t mean or want to, but I had no idea WHO had purchased those cards.

Speaking of which. . .

My friend and I went out together Friday night. We had dinner at Krisch’s. She desperately needed to talk to me. Her husband’s condition has worsened; his heart is only working at 19% capacity at this point. His breathing was labored, and his cardiologist told him he was in congestive heart failure. Her husband’s research indicated his best hope in prolonging his life is going to Columbia Presbyterian Hospital in the city, where they utilize a drug cocktail that could help him. The latter refuses to take the train into the city; he wants my friend to drive him back and forth, which means 1.5 hours of driving, minimum, waiting there with him while he gets his IV drip, then returning home in terrible traffic, another 1.5 hours, minimum.

She, however, just wants him to die--ASAP. Yes, she loves him, but she simply does NOT want to be his chauffeur and nursemaid while waiting around for him to slowly pass away. She knows how terrible that sounds, and realizes I’m the only one she dares confess this to. She certainly can’t tell her children, who are thrilled at the prospect, the hope, of their father being part of their lives a little longer.

The thing is, I UNDERSTAND my friend’s feelings here. He cheated on her in the worst possible way, put her at serious risk for AIDS, yet she forgave him and took him back. But she still has hate in her heart for his betrayal, and who can blame her? Not me, NEVER me, who would have gladly killed him if he’d given my friend AIDS and she had died. Fortunately, they both escaped that fate.

What’s funny is, I knew what she was going to say before she said it; we are so on the same wavelength. She didn’t have to say the words—but NEEDED to say them aloud to someone. Who else but me?

I wasn’t surprised, either, when she said to me, I know why you wrote that e-mail—you used the zero-balance Marshall’s card as an excuse to tell Gary exactly what’s on your mind about his treatment of you.

She was right. I wanted to scream it at him but didn’t dare, so instead I screamed it at him in an e-mail. It backfired, though, because it got me sent for “counseling.”

You know what the “counseling” was really all about? Emily told me that if I try going up against Gary, I can’t win. He has all the power, the pull, his compadres behind him, and nothing I do will change that. That’s why he still has his job, even after all the stupid shit he’s done to his employees, the money he’s cost the Postal Service, the ridiculous actions he’s taken!

I CAN’T WIN.

So, advises Emily, pretend Gary doesn’t exist. Relegate him to a place in my mind where he is nothing, just a shadow. Be very nice to Betty, my supervisor (which is already in the works, since I do like her). Perhaps I will get my just rewards eventually.

I’m not holding my breath for that, but I have to admit that Emily is right. I’m a pipsqueak, powerless. Sure, I can bring EEO charges against Gary again, but he can probably cite, on paper, web sites I’ve gone to where I’m not supposed to go. The fact that everyone else does it will be irrelevant, because *I* will be the only one of his employees on whom he has such paperwork, and I’m the only one who will get in trouble. The fact that I’ve caught Gary reading the bible or writing sermons in his office on many occasions won’t matter, either, because there is nothing on paper about that, just my say-so.

Sigh. It sucks to realize I’m powerless. I hate that so much!

Here’s a little mystery I’m waiting to see solved:

Mary, who works in Business Mail Entry, called to ask if I’d gotten “it” yet. I had no idea what she was talking about, and she was immediately concerned and puzzled. She said I should have received “it” Monday. Apparently her boss sent me some kind of award. I don’t know if it contains cash, probably not, but it’s at least a Certificate of Appreciation, which could go a long way toward convincing SOMEONE here I deserve recognition! However, it seems to have gotten lost in interoffice mail. Odd, huh? I wonder if someone here in my office confiscated it and is keeping it from me? See, that’s even more of my Gary-paranoia! Would they do such a thing?

It pleases me to know SOMEONE appreciates me, but saddens me to realize it’s someone outside my own department.

Love, Robin

HAPPY NEW YEAR, MERRY BLOGSTERS!

I had a four-day New Year’s weekend, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I took naps, only went to the gym once (bad Robin!), ate out at restaurants too many times, and spent most of New Year’s Eve on the phone talking to Doris, my mother-in-law, about the Brad-Ali situation, which Dan filled her in on.

Remember the gift card to Marshall’s Gary and Clyde gave me for Christmas? Hell, I gave Gary a cheek-kiss to thank him for it! Dan and I went to Marshall’s Monday to cash it in. Before even doing any shopping, I had it run through the machine in Customer Service to determine how much my bosses deemed me worth. It came up ZERO dollars! I was in shock at first, grateful I hadn’t shopped first and presented the card after. When I contemplated it, REALLY thought it over, I grew angry and upset, revving myself up to tossing the useless card on Clyde’s desk this morning with a curt, “This has zero dollars on it!” and writing the following e-mail to Gary and Clyde:

I have put up with a lot of discrimination in this office--movie tickets given to every clerk but me, Special Achievement Awards given to every clerk but me, a junior employee being given her own office, my desk being changed to the most public so Gary can peer over my shoulder and demand to know, "Is THAT Postal?"

However, when I took your gift card to Marshall's this past weekend and brought it up to the register with my purchases and informed it had ZERO dollars on it, I was so mortified, I began to cry.

This isn't funny, guys. If you didn't want to give me a Christmas present, I'd have preferred nothing to the humiliation I endured at the counter at Marshall's when the clerk ran your gift card through twice and told me it had a zero balance.

I've been trying to stay calm and not push this through official channels, even though I feel it's personal discrimination and should be dealt with, but enough is enough. My husband was with me at the store and couldn't calm me down for the rest of the day as I alternated between crying and fury.

Does it sound like I lost my mind, just a little bit? Perhaps I have, but I am just so tired of being fucked over in this place! I realize I will never be a shining star here. They don’t appreciate or want people like me (intelligent and imaginative), and I have to accept and get over that. If all goes well, I’ll be able to retire in less than two years! And if I have to work past that, at least I know I’ll be able to leave whenever I want—or whenever they piss me off enough, whichever comes first.

By the way, according to Betty, Gary sent my e-mail to Gaby, lamenting that this was an accident, not on purpose, as I accuse in my e-mail, and it’s unfortunate it had to happen to me. I agree! But accident or on purpose, it still angered and upset me, on top of everything else I cited above.

Sunday, a cloudy, rainy day, Dan, Mike, Austine and I went to Atlantic City. We took a bus from Smoke City that was so crowded, the four of us weren’t able to sit together! . Fortunately, that also meant it was an express from Massapequa, and we made amazing time, arriving in AC in two hours and 45 minutes for (thankfully) a six-hour stay. I sat next to a nice lady with an accent, and both of us slept most of the way there. She offered me a Bailey’s Irish Crème candy, which I thought very nice. Although it wasn’t generally a very lucky day for me, I hit a couple of good amounts on the quarter machines. Dan, however, was en fuego! We came home about $200 ahead, which was really nice, and what made it even better was that we had no idea WHY we’d won on most of the machines we’d played! Of course, we were more than happy to accept the money, and when all our receipts were added up, we were amazed at the total: $600. We knew we were ahead, since we hadn’t even brought that much to play with. Nice!

We did walk the dismal boardwalk to the Hilton, but my luck was terrible there. I think Dan did much better than I did. Austine only brought a few dollars to bet, which made sense since he didn’t even get Dan a Christmas gift, I assume because he just didn’t have the money.

We went to Hooters only 45 minutes before we had to catch our bus, which was a mistake. We had a coupon, though, for bargain wings (greasy and breaded). And one of the Boob gals came and sat on Austine’s lap for a picture, which made him very happy. Mike, who wouldn’t date himself because he thinks he’s fat and ugly, refused to take a photo with the Hooters bunny. Yet he makes sure his hair is dyed so the gray roots don’t show. Go figure! We had to race to catch our bus, but I guess to Austine it was worth it!

I got replacement SUPERNATURAL Sam and Dean posters for the ones I accidentally cut and ruined while removing them from the tubes. I wrote to the company that sent them and said the tubes had been opened and arrived empty. A nice gal named Sharon told me she would replace the posters stolen by the USPS (oh, the guilt at blaming my own innocent company!), but they were out of the Dean I’d ordered and would have to send a different one in its place. In the meantime, I tried taping the torn posters back together, and while they don’t look TERRIBLE, they also don’t look perfect, either. The replacement posters arrived; while Dan waited in the car, I went into National Wholesale Liquidators to buy frames that cost more than the posters. It was such a windy day, one of the frames flew out of the basket and struck me in the head! I thought it was going to just blow away (the frame, not my head)! I put the two new posters into the frames, but now have to find places to hang them. Dan keeps calling the J’s “clowns” and objecting to my displaying the posters when I give him a hard time about showing Paula (Abdul) and Fergie on his desktop and his cell phone (mine shows me with Jared, heh heh).

On New Year’s Eve, around 8 PM, Dan, Mike and I went to the most decorated-for- Christmas house around. Located in Babylon, it’s got everything you can possibly imagine, including music and towering lighted displays. While Dan waited in the car, Mike and I took our new cameras and snapped dozens of photos of the house and amazing lights from every conceivable angle. It was just eye-boggling! ate at the Chinese restaurant in Deer Park. Other patrons were sparse, so food wasn’t being replenished as fast as it normally should have been. Bleh. For $13.99, I expected better. When we got home, Dan broke out the nuts, shrimp, cocktail sauce and fruit cocktail we’d bought at B.J.’s. I had no appetite for anything after the huge meal I’d eaten at the Chinese place, and I ended up on the phone with Doris for a long time discussing Brad and Ali. She wants Brad to date others. We both know that he will make his own decision. I want him to be IN LOVE with the gal he marries, and Doris agrees with me.

This year mirrored last year. Dan, Mike and I toasted in 2008 with Asti Spumante. I took my medication, then went to bed about 12:30 PM, glad I had another day off.

We did very little yesterday. I made plane arrangements to Florida for the Eyecon in April, then RE-made my reservation for Eyecon, since I apparently never did so when I thought I did. Gawd, another thousand dollar trip! Why not spend it now, right? I’m rooming with Amy, a gal from one of my SUPERNATURAL lists, and I’m sure we’re going to have a great time.

That’s what makes the future special, knowing you have something to look forward to!

Dan, Brad, Mike and I ate at the Massapequa Diner last night. Fun for all. I wasn’t happy knowing I had to get up early this morning to go to work after four nice days off, but good times can’t last forever, I guess. Plus I was nervous about facing down Gary and Clyde about the Marshall’s gift certificate. I really wanted to see them both in person, and pictured it going down that way, but neither was at their desks, so I took the coward’s way out and wrote the e-mails. When Clyde sat down, I did the Dramatic Thing and dumped the card on his desk with my Angry Punchline. I am nothing if not a Serious Drama Queen!

I hope you had a wonderful start to 2008, or at least a laughable one!

Love, Robin