I haven't felt like crying in a couple of days now. I cried at the sad ending of a TV show, but that's a given for me. I feel more in control, more like myself, which may not be the best thing in the world, but at least I'm not breaking into tears at the least little thing.

Perhaps the hormonal storm has passed, at least for now. If so, thank God.

I spoke to Doris, my mother-in-law, last night. I feel so sorry for her; she sounds very down. Since taking a fall, she's been stuck in the house, unable to go anywhere. She walks slowly but pretty easily on carpeting, but is understandably leery of concrete, so taking her outside is a crap shoot.

Doris is ready to go into a senior housing facility, but to Sidney, my father-in-law, that would be tantamount to putting him in prison--and that's exactly how he puts it, too! He wants to stay in that four-bedroom house. The fact that remaining there means he has to keep driving, which is very dangerous for him and Doris (not to mention other drivers they encounter), doesn't seem to figure into the equation for him. Sid doesn't want to lose his independence. At the senior center, they would have transportation to doctors and shopping centers provided, but would still be allowed a car. Doris wouldn't be a prisoner in her own home, as she is now.

How weird it is--as it stands now, Doris IS a prisoner; if they move where she wants to go, Sidney feels HE would be a prisoner.

Is there where in sickness and health, for better or worse comes into play from the wedding vows? I don't know.

I watched a rerun of SUPERNATURAL last night, "Hunted", it was called. It's not on next Thursday; they're pre-empting it for some awards show. Damn, now I have to go two weeks without. I still have several eps left of the first season DVD set, and there's plenty of great film clips all over the internet. Speaking of the latter, there are ALSO many people trying hard to SPOIL the final eps of SUPERNATURAL for the rest of us by telling us what they've heard about them! I could probably know everything that's supposed to happen by now, but I've decided to plug the leak so the ending of this season is at least something of a surprise. Last year I sat and watched the finale with my mouth hanging open and my heart pounding because I had no idea! I don't want to be blase because I already know everything! But shit, it's so damn tempting to look when it's offered, too.

I tried to order some SUPERNATURAL merchandise online, but when I got to checkout, there was a problem with my phone number and it wouldn't let me go on. Hey, their loss of nearly $60! I'll try again from home. What a pain in the ass!

Have a great weekend, Merry Blogsters. May all your tears be happy ones. Have a terrific Easter, or Passover or whatever you celebrate this time of year.

By the way, it was snowing today--and yesterday! It's spring, damn it, and it's supposed to be WARM!!!!

Love, Robin

I should have posted Monday, but since I had the day off, I got a bit lazy and didn't. I don't want to feel guilty about that, since I heap enough guilt on myself for so many other things. Lots to recount, so here goes.

I saw Dr. Jacob Monday morning. She's nine months pregnant, due in a week, and when I outlined my unmitigated weeping problem (while crying, of course), she told me it's all about hormones: PMS, pregnancy, peri-menopause, with the latter being worst of all as far as out of control crying is concerned. She completed empathizes with me, since she's going through plenty of hormonal changes of her own.

She wants me to see my gynecologist and a shrink, the latter because she thinks I might be having issues re: my empty nest. Although Brad still lives with us, he very much has his own life, apart from us, and perhaps that's causing me to be sad. Maybe.

Brad called while I was waiting on line to make an appointment with the shrink. We agreed to have lunch at Krisch's together, and I asked if he was treating. He said he would. I hurried home and he drove us to Krisch's. Their food has really gotten pricey, and Brad was annoyed that they gave him green beans instead of the broccoli he requested. He hates green beans! We topped off our lunch by sharing peanut butter chocolate and cookie ice cream topped with hot fudge. It was soooo good, but so bad for us. Brad kept me laughing and I didn't shed a tear during the entire lunch. I did tell my son that I'm going through a tough time, and do you know what he said? "How can I help?" That alone brought a smile to my face, and my heart. Dan has been equally solicitous. If SUPERNATURAL is definitely announced for a third season, I might get through this yet!

Brad just called to let me know he had blood work done at HIP. I have no idea what doctor it's going to go to, with Jacob going on maternity leave. I didn't ask her who is taking over her patients while she's gone. It's been too long since my son took care of his health, and I pray his A1C isn't terrible after all this time.

Saturday, I awakened at Nancy's for the last morning. Dan and I went to breakfast at the buffet and then the gym, as usual. Afterwards, I had to return to Nancy's (what a long, tiring ride!) to feed the dogs, clean out the litter boxes one last time, move the kitchen chair from the computer room back to the kitchen, take my clothing out of the dryer, and pack my suitcase. Needless to say, I was very happy to be going home to my own family and pets!

Sunday, Last Hope Animal Rescue was sponsoring vaccinations at a Village Green vet in Levittown. Since their prices are more reasonable than our regular vet's are, and supports the organization where we adopted Bugsy, we brought Snaps there for a heartworm blood test and DDP. Although Dan complained, we got there about 40 minutes early--and were seventh on line! Once they opened, we were taken quickly. Snaps didn't even flinch when they stuck the needle in his paw, and we were very proud of him. Thank God he doesn't have heartworm, and now we just have to take him to the vet for a regular exam without expensive shots. Win-win. And Last Hope benefits. Another win!

Monday night, Dan and I followed Brad to Ali's house, where we'd been invited for a seder. Over Barbara's gorgeously-set table, we all read from the Haggadah, some in Hebrew, Dan, Brad and I in English. Of course, the sad story of the Jews trying to get out from under the Pharoh's cruel thumb made me sad, and I felt my tears welling up more than once. Luckily, the banter around the table kept me from crying, I was able to read what I had to, and everything went smoothly. The food wasn't as delicious as what we had two years ago, or as plentiful, especially the tasteless brisket, but it was very nice to be part of a family tradition like this. We left around 9:30, but I was able to stay up and watch an episode of SUPERNATURAL on DVD. I must say, Jared and Jensen look a lot better spread across the full screen of our TV set, rather than the small screen of the DVD player! YUMMY!

Yesterday, I went to the gym (I should have gone Monday, but took a nap instead), and worked out for more than an hour. I bought two milks at National Wholesale Liquidators, one for work, another for home, and wished to hell I could be retired and not have to go to work anymore. Too bad I still need the money! I then went home and alternated between checking my e-mail, watching my stored DVR TV shows, and watching DVD eps of SUPERNATURAL. When Dan came home, he took Brad and me for two-fers at Sidekicks, where we talked, insulted each other and just laughed like fools. When Brad was a toddler, he learned how to make me laugh. He hasn't lost his touch, believe me, and now that he knows I'm crying too much, he's countering it with laughter. He knows the right buttons to push, and he's pushing them with love.

Thank you, son! You really are a gift from God!

HOUSE is such a great show. AMERICAN IDOL is getting so stupid.

OH! I forgot--we found a lady selling tie-dyed t-shirts for $10 at a church flea market Saturday, and bought a whole bunch! She gave me her name and phone number so we could contact her, but I seem to have lost it--and I wanted to ask her to make me a SUPERNATURAL t-shirt in black with the name of the show in white. Damn me anyway for being so careless! Why do I do things like that??? Her stuff was so reasonable, and those t-shirts on line cost a fortune.

Love, Robin

According to one of the directors of SUPERNATURAL in something posted on the net, there will be a third season of the show. I don't know how reliable that information is, but the final episodes have already laid the groundwork for the new season, so that sounds promising. I refuse to do a happy dance until I hear official word from the network that it's coming back.

Brad called me last night--finally! He gave me the excuse I figured, that he was busier than he thought he was going to be (he's been picketing on behalf of other teachers who don't have a contract), but I reminded him that if I were home, we certainly would have had a few moments to talk about his day and my day, blah blah blah, and that his lack of communication hurt my feelings. He apologized, but I don't think he really gets it. That he didn't even THINK of me enough to take two minutes out of his life to call me devastates me.

I called and made an appointment with Dr. Jacob. I hoped I could get one today, but the best I could do was Monday at 10:40, so instead of only taking Tuesday off (the night after Barbara's seder), as I originally planned, I took Monday and Tuesday off.

I'm tired, cranky, sobby and just want to go home. But I don't want to go back to my cramped, messy house, I want to go to a big, bright, clean house like Nancy's--but that belongs to ME! I love the huge size of Nancy's kitchen, I realize, how much usable counter and cabinet space she has, her fridge with the ice and water maker on the outside. I DON'T like the smelly litter pans and having to fill six water bowls.

Last night, I made turkey bacon, two eggs and toast for my dinner. I couldn't find a non-stick pan, so used a "stick" one, and made such a mess. Nancy has a smooth-top stove, something else I'd love to have, and I marveled over how easy it was to clean when I was done. I shared a bit with the dogs, who eagerly watched me while I ate. While I watched TV, Sophie pressed herself close to me and I petted her chest and face. For the first time, she licked my arm, but when she started to seemingly bite my hand, I grew a little nervous. I wasn't sure if she was play-biting or Bugsy-biting, and she's a BIG dog, so I just petted her and kept my hand away from her mouth.

Mr. Phil, the only male animal in the house, settled himself on my stomach while I was watching SUPERNATURAL and went to sleep. It was nice to have some of the animals cozying up to me that way, but there is just so much fur all over the house, it makes even me feel like sneezing, and I don't have allergies to such things! I watched two eps of of the first-season SUPERNATURAL DVD's because I had plenty of time; I walked a full hour yesterday at work and skipped going to the gym. I'll be there tomorrow for a full workout.

When I got home yesterday, instead of finding poop on the carpet, I found vomit. Which animal? I don't know for sure, but I'm guessing it was one of the cats. At least it picked up solidly, unlike the very messy diarrhea of the other day.

One more night at Nancy's, then I'll be home with my own family and dogs. I have to get the dishwasher going tonight, perhaps one more load of laundry, and I want to take a bath tonight (or maybe I'll just wait and shower at the gym tomorrow). I have no idea what I'm eating tonight, but I still have the turkey from the other day. I really should eat that--or let the dogs have at it!

I do hope Dr. Jacob can figure out what's making me so depressed. I can't go on this way, just breaking into tears every time something makes me sad or happy--and EVERY OTHER THING makes me sad--or happy!!

I am such a pain in the ass!

But I know it, and am taking steps to fix it. That's what's important, right?

Take care of yourselves, Merry Blogsters!

Love, Robin

Gad, I ran off to cry in a corner at work today and who, unfortunately, came into that same corner to find my quietly sobbing into a wad of paper toweling? My plant manager, Gabriele! She offered to talk with me, but I just shook my head, told her it was just a mood and begged her not to let any of my co-workers know she'd found me that way. I have the worst damn luck, I swear! The storm passed, as it always does, and I returned to my desk to ate my lunch. I'm so missing my own home, dogs and family right now, and I'm so glad this house/petsitting gig is ending Saturday.

Here's why I'm depressed:

Brad still hasn't called me. The phone call I left on his cell phone yesterday apparently wasn't guilt-inducing enough to force him to call me. That hurts. I know how busy he is, but one or two lousy minutes to spare for his mother? That REALLY hurts.

I miss my own dogs. Dan is having a really hard time with Bugsy, which is sending MY guilt meter into the red zone. Bugsy must think Dan's done something evil to me, because he's bitten my poor husband twice, once on the foot, once on the chest. Bugsy can't only be in a good mood when I'm around; he has to realize that Dan loves him, too, and accept being cared for by him when I'm not there. So this is adding to my own feelings of sadness and inadequacy. I'm happy to help a friend, but what am I doing to my own household? Maybe the reason Brad isn't calling me is because he's pissed at me?

Nancy called from the ship last night, at the cost of $5.95 per minute, to ask how everything was. Intently watching JERICHO, the call didn't come at a great time for me, but I assured her all was fine. I didn't go into coming home to find that one of the cats had pooped diarrhea on an area rug, of course--what's the point? Nancy warned me about that, but since I've been keeping the litter boxes clean, I'd hoped it wouldn't be a problem. I guess the poor thing couldn't quite make it.

Love, Robin

I have not cried today--yet! I've felt sad, but not welled up. I don't know if the hormonal storm is passing (if that's what it is) or what, but I feel better today, more in control of myself. I can't guarantee this will last; one sad song may send me back into the well 'o' tears, but for now, I'm doing OK.

I was SO tired yesterday. My sleep at Nancy's has been sporadic, and despite that, I left here, went to the gym for half an hour on the rowing machine, ran to Nancy's to bring in the mail, take care of the dogs and cats (oh, those raunchy litter boxes!), pull the remainder of the turkey out of the fridge to take home with me for Brad, left the fucking turkey on the kitchen table wrapped in foil, and ran to my own house.

Bugsy and Snaps were thrilled to see me, which was nice, but comparing my messy house with Nancy's neat, clean abode depressed me. I sat down to read the newspaper (I don't know how Nancy and Chris get by without one every day) and watch some of my stored DVR TV shows. Dan came home, exhausted, and we went to Sidekicks for two-fer night. The two of us sat across from each other with barely enough energy to converse. When I grew sobby over my crabcakes dinner, I quickly ran to the bathroom, sat on the toilet and cried hard for a few minutes, once again angry at myself for my lack of control.

To be honest, one of the reasons I was feeling sorry for myself was not hearing from Brad. I know how busy he is, but couldn't he have made one phone call to me since I've been gone? Just ONE? I left a message on his cell phone this morning, reminding him, in essence, this is your mother, the woman who gave birth to you in screaming agony, and this is a Jewish guilt inducing phone call to force you to call me back!

You know, I think one of the reasons I'm feeling so depressed is the realization that my little boy is a grown man who, though still living at home, no longer needs me for anything except dinner--and even then, not often. It's very hard to let go of Mommy Mode, especially when you only have one, and that one came down with diabetes at the age of four and you were totally engrossed in his well-being. It's a lot harder to draw back.

So here I am, tossing myself into trying to save SUPERNATURAL from cancellation. I must say, fellow fans have been sending postcards and letters, posting all over the internet in efforts to get the WB 11 network to give the show a third year on the air--and beyond. It really is a quality show, but up against horrific competition, including the #1 show on the air, GREY'S ANATOMY. Still SUPERNATURAL has something GREY'S doesn't--depth of character, amazing writing, Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles. Those two have an amazing sibling relationship on the show that comes across as so real, and many fans say that's what attracted them to the show in the first place. Heady stuff.

It's only two and a half more days until Nancy and Chris come home. I'm really looking forward to returning to my own doggies and Dan and Brad. However, they will be spending an overnight in Buffalo for house-hunting shortly after returning, so I will have to do the same at their home. At least I've been able to spend as much time on the computer as I want, plus I can watch my SUPERNATURAL DVD's at my leisure (but look forward to seeing them on a big screen when I get home).

Let's see if we can make it through the rest of this day without crying!

Love, Robin