I'll be leaving in 45 more minutes to see Dr. Cardello, my psychiatrist. It's painful to sit and talk to her about the present and past. I want her to think well of me. I haven't been crying as much, not about silly things, but I still cry. There's an underlying sadness inside me, and I've been aware of it for a long time now. I have no idea where it originates, but I realize that underneath my cheerful demeanor is a sadsack aching for happiness. And despite medication, that sadsack keeps peering out.

It's pouring today. Connie's trip to the Statue of Liberty at least had decent weather, fortunately. We're getting flood warnings like crazy. Why is it that for every day of decent weather we get one of rain?

SUPERNATURAL showed "Folsom Prison Blues" last night. It was a terrific episode, but Ali visited Brad last night, and she left at 9:45, which screwed up my viewing pleasure. When they trooped downstairs and Brad had to run interference between her and the dogs, the latter were barking wildly and the commotion totally wrecked my concentration of the episode. "Thanks, Brad," I said sarcastically. He knew how pissed I was, and why he couldn't get his girlfriend to leave at 10 instead of 9:45 really annoyed me. Maybe there's something on at 10 she wants to get home to see? I don't know, but she left at the same time last week Thursday night, I swear, and interrupted my show then, too! Grrrrr!

Online fandom has its ups and downs. I love all the YouTube videos about Dean and Sam on Supernatural, but there are an awful lot of "Wincest"-themed ones. Yesterday, I watched one based on several of the interviews Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki have done since joining the show. They're always touching each other, throwing an arm over each other's shoulders, giving each other these lovelorn, goofy looks--now I understand why so many people are writing fan fics in which they--and their characters--are humping each other. Of course, you can take bits and pieces of Supernatural episodes and combine them in ways that make it look as if they're totally enraptured with--and doing--each other, which several fans have done. All I know is, when I see someone has posted "Wincest" fiction, or something indicating a "Jensen/Jared pairing", I refuse to read it.

I really should be going to the gym today, but I won't have time since I have to go to the shrink. With the rain, I didn't get to walk, either, so I've been a sludge bunny today. I don't like that, but what can I do?

My left elbow has been bothering me; it feels like a pinched nerve. Actually, I have a pinched nerve leading from my neck, but it's "caught" in my elbow, a burning pain there, and it's been bugging me more every day now. I'll probably have to consult someone about it soon. Why doesn't pain ever subside instead of escalate?

I hope you have a nice weekend, and I'm sorry if this sounded like a litany of complaints.

Love, Robin

Yesterday morning, I let Nancy's dogs out one final time, filled the water bowls, emptied out the cat poop and did my best to leave her house straightened out as best I could before heading out to work. I left Brad a message on his cell phone shortly after arriving at work, wishing him a happy birthday. We gave him a new cell phone as his gift, but Dan still wants to give him an MP3 player, too. I think the phone, which cost $129, is enough. We signed his card last night, but neither one of us gave it to him. We left it for him early this morning. Steve sent Brad a card and $50, but Karen sent ME a brief happy birthday e-mail to him via me, which I forwarded. Between her not sending any money to my collection for the American Diabetes Association and this, I am growing a big hatred for her all over again!

Dan and I took Brad out to Sidekicks last night for two-fers. Brad told me that he really isn't into celebrating his birthdays, which kind of saddened me a little. I guess we should celebrate EVERY day like a birthday, though, huh? That's what Jonathan Frid believes, and it makes sense.

On my way home from work, I stopped off to pick up a TV Guide (the one with my "cheers" SUPERNATURAL letter) from a woman in Massapequa. She left it for me in her mailbox. I have a couple of DS fans who are also SN fans mailing me just the page containing my letter, and another gal is saving the TV Guide for me to pick up Sunday. After picking up the magazine, I stopped at Met Food for eggs and yellow cake mix. I raced home, let the dogs out (they were so happy to see me!) and immediately mixed up the batter and popped it into the oven. When I got up this morning, I noticed Dan and Brad had eaten quite a lot of the cake, and my stomach was bothering me quite a lot because I'd eaten quite a bit of it myself. That's what I get for eaten forbidden food!

Today was Secretary/Administrative Assistant's Day. I came in and found a pretty yellow vase filled with yellow and white flowers, Lindt Lindor truffles and a set of pretty coasters, all from Clyde. There was nothing for me from Gary, but Connie had received a lovely purple-flowered plant from him. Isn't that politically incorrect of him? I might not be "his" clerk, but he could have given me a little something! I guess he knows I despise him, and the feeling is mutual, but it's such a glaring omission, and so obvious! What an asshole he is!

At least I have an episode of SUPERNATURAL to look forward to tomorrow night! Hurray!

Love, Robin

PS - A couple might be making an offer on Nancy's house. So it looks like they really will be moving back to Buffalo. I'm not quite sure how I really feel about it.

I'm pet-sitting for Chris and Nancy again, but just overnight. Tomorrow is Brad's 24th birthday, and I really do want to be home for that. Ideally, I'd like to bake him a cake tomorrow afternoon. Chris had an uncle/godfather pass away over the weekend, so I told Nancy if they needed to stay an extra day, I would watch the dogs another night. I had forgotten about Brad's birthday, though, but when I remembered, I hoped I wouldn't have to stay. As of now, it appears it's only going to be one night.

I saw my shrink again Friday. I told her about my parents' ugly divorce, my mother's manic-depression and alcohol problems, and how she used to say cruel things to me and embarrass me in front of my friends sometimes. Dr. Cardello connects my present negative feelings about myself with the way my mother treated me then. Perhaps. I wish I could just get over these things already! Dr. Cardello explained that these feelings never go away; they become ingrained in our psyches and come out at times like these (peri-menopause) to haunt us. I can't figure out why I have such a low opinion of myself! Just because Mom often made me feel like a penny waiting for change? Get over it already!!

Friday evening was a lot nicer. I drove to Sharon's. The first thing she said was that I looked depressed, but I did break into tears on my way over there, so I guess my eyes looked sad. We walked into her town for dinner at the local Greek diner and had a nice diner and lots of catch-up conversation. We walked up the block to the multi-plex movie theater and saw DISTURBIA, which was an excellent thriller that had us clutching at each other repeatedly, it was that suspenseful and scary. It was 9:30 by the time we got out, and since I'd gotten up at 4:30 and was tired, I decided to go home.

I've had a lot of e-mail to go through now that I'm on three SUPERNATURAL lists, but it's been so much fun keeping up with everything, especially since they finally showed a new episode Thursday and everyone was buzzing about it. Some of my DS list fans saw my letter in TV Guide and commented on it, and apparently, some of them are on the SN lists, too! I guess that makes sense.

Dan and I went to the buffet in Levittown for breakfast Saturday, then the gym. We bought tons of meat and other stuff in BJ's afterward, then went home. I took a nap. Dan, Brad and I met Ali for dinner at the Bellcrest Deli in Bellmore. We had a nice time. When Ali told me she'd be going alone to a soap opera convention at the MGM down in Florida in November (her mother can't handle all the walking because she has a bad knee), I told her I'd go with her, figuring it would give us a chance to bond. I hope it doesn't turn out to be a debacle!

Sunday, I did some shopping at Wal-Mart. Later, around 1 PM, Dan, Mike and I went to the Chinese buffet in Deer Park, which raised its prices considerably. We stuffed ourselves so much, I couldn't even eat dinner last night, and Dan went out to Taco Bell and ate by himself. I was going to enjoy the gorgeous day (the entire weekend was just beautiful, well deserved after the totally crappy weather we've had most of April) by taking a walk at Brady Park, but took a nap instead.

53 years old, and I'm becoming a napper!

Today is warm and so lovely, and I made a deal with myself--walk during both breaks and I can skip going to the gym and head straight to Nancy's. That's what I'm going to do!

Enjoy the beautiful weather while it lasts, because I understand we're getting rain and much cooler temps for the next 3 days.

Love, Robin

I haven't posted anything about the Virginia Tech massacre because I've needed time to process it.

We send our kids to war knowing they might come home in coffins. We send our kids to college hoping they come home with a diploma, get a good job, live a long, long time, and give us grandchildren who will give them the same kind of grief and wonder they gave us. We do not expect kids to come home from college in coffins.

Yet, at Virginia Tech, a 23-year-old mentally disturbed man shot and killed 30 people, then himself.

What, I ask, is the thin, fragile line between sanity and madness, between anger and fury so great, it compels a person to murder?

This young man was institutionalized at one point, yet he was attending this college. There were signs that he had problems, issues, but apparently no one realized just how deep-seated or far-ranging his difficulties were, how far-afield his mind had gone. His jealous anger had exploded, poisoning him to the point that the only solution, in his mind at least, was to kill. So he took a powerful weapon and did just that.

He left behind a videotape filled with venom and hatred, explaining his actions. Some feel it's wrong to show this on television. Is it a textbook to others teetering on the edge of madness, or a warning to innocents to watch those around them more carefully for similar evidence of potentially murderous behavior? Or is it that TV producers want big ratings and videotapes like this will garner what they crave?

Some reality TV is too terrible to watch, even if it is riveting and necessary and cruel.

I did not cry when I heard about all this. Yet when I took my walk today and saw a dead squirrel lying by the side of the road, I felt tears sting my eyes.

Perhaps this makes me a terrible woman, I don't know. I still cry when I remember September 11, 2001. I do know some Long Islanders are amongst the dead from the Virginia massacre, and I grieve for their families.

I'm glad it's Friday and the weather is finally warming up. We need this. The groundhog was wrong. We did not have an early spring, as he predicted. I'm going out with Sharon for dinner tonight, and am looking forward eagerly to that. I'm seeing my shrink right after work, and I'm not sure I'm looking forward to that. I will probably start crying when I get there. I don't know why, but I did last time. I guess I'm sadder than I realized, and it's more than just the hormones.

I hope all of you are happy, Merry Blogsters. Enjoy your weekend!

Love, Robin

With Gary away in Florida, I've been spending much of my time on the net, going everywhere SUPERNATURAL. I check and answer e-mail, go from site to site looking at Winchester boys, Jensen, Jared and hope for good news about renewal. So far, nothing definite, and it looks like I'll have to wait until May 17th when CW 11 has their New York party and announces their fall lineup to learn the fate of the show. It seems so very far away, and I'm scared I'm going to fall apart if it isn't renewed. I keep reminding myself I got over DS's demise, and that was after nearly five years, five DAYS per week!

This is different, though. I'm at a crossroad in my life. I'm 53, not a teenager anymore. Even the therapist told me a lot of women need help at this stage of their lives, when they're facing an empty nest because their kids have become adults and don't need them the way they used to. For whatever reason, I've latched onto this show and seem to need it right now. I think it's significant that, once again in my life, I'm turning to a TV show instead of the people in my life for whatever it is I need. Perhaps I should talk about this with my therapist when I see her tomorrow.

I was so excited that TV Guide published my letter, yet I felt weird about showing it to people here where I work--because it's a cheer letter for a TV show they might make fun of. You'd think I'd be past worrying about what others think of my taste in TV shows, wouldn't you? God! I did show it around, though. Dan took it in yesterday, I showed it around today, not to too many people, just to a few. Hey, it's my name at the bottom of that letter, and it is pretty cleverly written, so I should be proud of it.

I'm very, very tired. I have to go to the gym after work. Then I'll go home and watch some of my collection of DVR'd TV shows and go on the net to catch up on some of the stuff I can't look at here at work and have to check out at home.

I don't feel like writing anymore. Talk to you tomorrow, OK?

Love, Robin