I had started writing this when poewr went out, and I lost everything I'd written. Fortunately, I'd just started. I hope it doesn't happen again.

I remember when I used to just be happy, no pills necessary. Now, it seems I need medication to be happy. Why is that? After a wild car ride just to make it on time (even though I was kept waiting 20 minutes past my appointment time), I saw Dr. Mehta for the first time yesterday. She's very nice, with an understandable accent. I hoped I could discuss my problem with her sans crying, but I did cry, and she was sympathetic. She upped my Effexor from 150 to 225 milligram, the highest dosage, so we'll see if that makes me less sobby. I gave her my list of current drugs, and she wonders how I'm able to stay awake all day. Now I understand why I'm so tired all the time, and napping weekends!

On my way home, I'm going to stop at Walgreens to fill my prescription. I wish I could send it away, since it's cheaper, but she wants me to start taking it immediately, and to come back in two weeks. She also had me stop at the lab for a blood test; she wanted to check my thyroid again. I guess if that's whacky, it can make you cry a lot, too. I liked her. She took time with me and was very kind. I was in and out of the lab in five minutes, too, a fucking record!

I plan to go to the upfronts next Thursday, but I'm trying to find out in advance if Jensen and Jared are going to be there. We already seem to have found out that SUPERNATURAL is being renewed for a third season from a reliable (hopefully) source, so if that's true, but I go to this thing and neither actor is there, why go? Just to wait around for maybe hours to find out something I already know? I WANNA SEE THE GUYS IN PERSON, DAMN IT!

Tonight's a new ep of SUPERNATURAL, part one of the season finale. I don't want the season to end, but I'm so excited to see this ep!

Love, Robin

I should have written yesterday, but I left work early because of a horrific migraine. I don't get those often, but this was a killer. It sat in the back of my head, feeling like a spike being driven in. When my vision began going blurry, I decided I'd had enough, so I left at 11 AM. I stopped at Wal-Mart on the way home to pick up a couple of things, mainly because I knew we were out of the nut bars Brad likes, and the fresh air seemed to make me feel a bit better. When I got home, I went on the net to continue going through my Supernatural e-mail, then I took a nap for a couple of hours.

I still have this thing, emanating from the pinched nerve in my neck, running down the length of my left arm, catching in my elbow, which feels like it's caught there, somehow. I have an appointment with a doctor tomorrow after work, and I plan to ask her if there isn't something we can do about all this pain I'm perpetually in.

At my Friday session with Dr. Cardello, we discussed how lonely I feel much of the time. There are those who left me because they moved away, like Barbara, Lynn, and Cassie, but there are those who chose to separate themselves from me--Rose, Phyllis, Cheryl (actually, two of them, if you want to be technical). What is it about me, I wonder, that makes my friends no longer want to be my friends? What do I do to drive them away? I thought friendship allowed for forgiveness? I asked Rose if she missed me enough to call me and resurrect our friendship; I never heard from her, so I must assume she's no longer interested. My God, that HURTS! I miss her, and to think that what we had is so easily brushed off just makes me feel so bad! I was crying when I talked of my loneliness to Dr. Cardello, and crying when I drove home, and crying now.

Am I such a terrible friend? It makes me want to go back to these women and give them a survey to fill out, so I can learn what mistakes I've made and try not to make them with future friends.

Now I'm crying in earnest. Damn, I really don't like to cry at work.

Well, I took off next Thursday to attend the CW 11 upfronts. It may be a waste of time; Jensen and Jared probably won't be there, but it will be an experience I've never had before, and let's face it, that alone might make it worth doing. Taking the train into the city, waiting around with other eager fans, who knows what will happen? And I'll know SUPERNATURAL's third season fate as it happens!

The weekend was uneventful. Dan and I went to the gym Saturday, had buffet breakfast beforehand, shopped, blah blah blah. I recall napping both days. Dan, Mike, Brad and I had dinner at Corner Galley, where they raised all their prices and I feel the meal isn't really worth it. Poor Brad, still suffering from his cold, had a terrible headache, and I had to give him sinus tablets when we got home. He and Ali used the Coldstone Creamery birthday coupon I'd given him later to get dessert.

I'm taking another walk in a little while. That's in lieu of going to the gym after work. I figure it's another half an hour of exercise, but during work hours. I'm picking up some diabetic supplies after work in Old Bethpage, then I'll go home. Tomorrow, I'm seeing Dr. Mehta. She called me Friday afternoon; apparently, Dr. Cardello left a note on my chart that I should consult with a doctor. So Dr. Mehta called me, and I scheduled an appointment with her for tomorrow afternoon. I've got to do something to get out of all this pain and depression. It's wearing me down, it really is. Maybe I need a different medication?

May all your happiness come from your life, not from a bottle.

Love, Robin

I'm going to see my shrink today at 3 PM. I want to talk to her about how Gary, my manager, has been giving me grief about my breaks, following me in his car, telling me "I'm late," when I left late because Connie got back late! I want to tell her how much I hate him, and how I know hate is a very bad thing, but I can't help it because he's a grade A asshole!

SUPERNATURAL was so good last night. As an evil djinn fed off his blood, Dean saw his life as it would have been had his mother not died at the hand of the YED. It had me crying practically from the first scene. I love that show so much, I want to go to NYC on May 17th, go to the upfronts, and do whatever it takes to make sure it's renewed for a third season. Of course, the possibility of seeing Jensen and Jared there is quite enticing, too. Someone from one of the boards is coming in from Albany to attend this event, which is being held at Madison Square Garden. I can easily see myself taking that day off to wait with other fans and perhaps get to take pictures of these handsome young men.

Last night, I suffered a severe cramp in my upper leg. I'd gone to bed at 10, but was lying awake, thinking about SUPERNATURAL. The pain was so excruciating, I thought I was going to vomit. I curled myself into a fetal position, which made the pain more bearable, but any movement made it flare up again. Somehow, I fell asleep, and when I awakened at 4 AM, the pain was pretty much gone, but I've felt it a few times today, like an echo. I have pain in so many other places--back, neck, elbow--I really don't need anymore anywhere else! What I REALLY need is lots of painkiller to put me in a total stupor!

GILMORE GIRLS is going off the air, after 7 years. I loved that show, but its quality has gone downhill lately. The early years were wonderful, but I think it's time for the Gilmore girls to say goodbye.

I'm going to sign off now. I actually have some work to do before I go.

Love, Robin

Today the SUPERNATURAL: Origins comic book comes out, and I'm going to pick up two at a comic book store in Massapequa after work. I hope they saved them for me like they promised.

Nancy returned from Buffalo today, but I while she did say there were no bids made on her house here over the open house weekend, she didn't tell me anything about how the house-hunting went in Buffalo. We weren't able to get together for a break today, and she's off to court tomorrow, so I won't get the skinny until Friday. I wish she wouldn't keep me in suspense this way!

I've decided if I need to cry, I'm going to let myself cry. Obviously, this is something my psyche craves, so why should I hate myself for it? Let those tears flow!

I've spent most of today going through my e-mail and flying from one SUPERNATURAL web site to another. I think I might even have found a fellow Long Island fan! God, wouldn't it be great to be able to discuss the show with a local friend?

Yesterday, Gary stopped his car next to me while I was taking my second walk and accused me of being late returning to the office! I hadn't gotten out until 1:30, but he seemed to think I'd left at 1:00 PM. Instead of asking me, the dickwad simply accused me of being late. When I informed him that I hadn't left the office until 1:30, he closed his window and drove away, without an apology! I really think I have to bring that shithead up on another REDRESS charge. Obviously, he's forgetting what I told him at the first meeting, the asshole!

Although I haven't had many good thoughts toward my sister in law, Karen, I noticed on a map how close Seattle, WA is to Vancouver, Canada, where SUPERNATURAL is filmed, and was thinking that it sure would be nice to visit her there, then hop over the border to visit the set of the show (assuming it's renewed, please God). I could meet Jensen and Jared, touch them, take pictures with them, tour the set--it would be so great! I could forgive Karen for not giving her nephew any gifts all these years or sending me anything for the American Diabetes Association if she would host me for such a trip! No, I wouldn't forgive her, but I would let her put me up!

I think this is enough writing for one day. I just want to go get my comic books. Oh, and today is 31 cents a scoop day at Baskin Robbins, too! It's Sam Winchester's birthday, so I just might have to eat a scoop of ice cream or two to celebrate! This scoop's for you, Sammy, dear!

Love, Robin

I got a phone call from Dan today here at work. We had gone to Friendly's for sundaes Saturday night, and when he was telling me how hard he worked this past week, I started contemplating how little money he's paid for that hard work and I began to cry. He looked at me and said, "Work your way through it," or something like that, and I chastised him for saying the wrong thing.

His call this morning was to tell me that he understands I can't help my tears and that he loves me. I asked him to talk to women at work who have already been through menopause and try to get some insight into what I'm going through. Or I have a book, PASSAGES, that a woman here at work loaned me; maybe he could read a little of that. I know he won't read anything, but the fact that he called to tell me he loves me and understands, just a little, what's going on with me gave me a sense of comfort--and made me cry, of course.

I saw Dr. Cardello Friday, and we discussed my "river of depression" running underneath this cheerful persona I present most of the time, and how I believe that the river is starting to punch through, like a faulty drain, invading my veneer of cheer, so to speak. She asked if I wanted to investigate this, reconcile it, and I said I did. When she declared our session over five minutes early, however, I was rather put off. We started at 3:10 and she ended it at 3:35. I felt cheated by that and wondered if I could possibly work through the heavy burden of my depression with this therapist.

Dan worked overtime Saturday morning, so I went to the gym by myself. I worked out for an hour and a half, then stopped to shop at National Wholesale Liquidators to buy a few things for the house. On the way home, a garage sale caught my eye, so I stopped and bought a bunch of queen-sized sheets a pillow cases--for $1.50!

When Dan got home, we had a nice lunch at Olive Garden. Their salad is so good, the dressing delectable. My main meal was chicken parm, which was OK. I don't consider their food to be authetic Italian, more pseudo Italian.

I took a nap for a couple of hours when we got home, and for dinner, Dan and I had sundaes at Friendly's, as I described above.

Sunday, we ate breakfast buffet, and to our delight, a missing person re-appeared again. An elderly gentleman, whose name we don't even know, had been a fixture at one of the tables for as long as we can remember, and he hadn't been showing up for a couple of months. Everyone was very concerned about him, and no one knew what had become of him. With my macabre imagination, I had him alone and dead in his apartment, stinking up the place. He was there when we arrived yesterday, and Dan and I ran up to him and greeted him enthusiastically. "We were so worried about you!" I said, relieved. "You and about 500 other people here," he said, beaming toothily. He'd hurt his back and couldn't walk, which explained his long absence. EVERYONE came up to welcome him back, and when we left, I blew him a kiss. He grinned, pleased.

It's so weird how someone you barely know can have that effect on you. Dan and I were really fretting about this poor guy.

Afterwards, Dan and I went to the gym (two days in a row for me!) and exercised. We returned home so Dan could nap half an hour; he and Mike were taking Nancy's freebie movie tickets to see DISTURBIA, the movie I'd seen with Sharon a couple of weeks ago.

While they did that, I went to an antiques show at Massapequa High School. It was $5 to get in, but everyone seemed annoyed when they found out there was an admission fee. It was to support the Massapequa Historical Society, a worthy cause, so I didn't mind, but the prices of everything inside was way out of my range, whew! I enjoyed looking around, though, if for nothing more than nostalgia value. I saw a WWF coin I considered buying for Dan--until they told me it was $165! Then a LIVE/LOVE/LAUGH charm caught my eye at the same booth, but that, too, was $165. Too rich for my blood!

I stopped at the grocery store on the way home for lunch meat for Brad (who has a terrible cold, poor thing), fruit, milk and Halvah.

When I got home, I flung myself into bed for another afternoon nap. Both dogs joined me. Dan, Mike and I dined at Giovanni's, where I had two slices of pizza and they had big bowls of pasta.

I walked twice today, a total of nearly an hour.

Nancy has gone back to Buffalo, alone, searching for another house. the first one fell through, unfortunately.

It has been a long, long day and I'm looking forward to going home!

Love, Robin