I think I'm doing better. Really. "How to Save a Life" came on the radio yesterday and, unlike last week, I didn't start crying because it triggered sad thoughts. When I talked to Tracey (my shrink, who asked me to call her by her first name) yesterday, I didn't tear up once. We were talking about my father, and I was telling her how he used to call me "cookie", that he ran for office but never won, what a wonderful writer he was, and that he was a type A personality, which probably contributed to his early death by stroke.

I told her about my erotica writing, and how I got burnt out on it. I told her about my legit writing career, but that the only writing I do these days is this blog and whatever e-mail I do on the net. I've been reading excellent SUPERNATURAL fan fic on the net, but don't feel in the least tempted to write any of my own. I churned out gobs of DARK SHADOWS fan fiction, but so far, haven't had the urge to jump into the SUPERNATURAL pool. Perhaps I just don't feel comfortable enough with it yet?

You see, as I took my walk today, I was pondering that I believe I have greatness in me. I really do. I think I could be a fantastic commedienne, if I could only get up the nerve to go to an open mike night somewhere and try it. I think I could make people laugh their asses off, but I have to DO it! The problem is, I have no self-confidence. My mother's mother raised her without any, and my mom passed on that unfortunate legacy to me. Isn't being part of a dysfunctional family wonderful?

I remember when I was at college and had been given the go-ahead to student teach at Brockport High School. I was terrified to do it. I didn't think I could handle it. I was actually relieved when my guidance counselor talked me out of going for my teaching certificate so I didn't have to student teach. I was stupid, because while there wasn't a need for teachers when I graduated, that wouldn't always have been the case, and I certainly would have been able to secure a teaching job eventually--and made a hell of a lot more money than I do now! Yet the same lack of self-confidence that plagues me now and has done so all my life stopped me from student teaching, and from becoming the professional I SHOULD have been. It's really a shame, because I think I would have been an excellent educator. I never gave myself a chance to find out, and that's such a sad waste.

At least my son had enough self-confidence to pursue the career I didn't.

I think the extra Effexor is what's probably helped more than anything. Whatever has, I'm grateful. I've taken off Friday and Tuesday flanking the Memorial Day weekend, so I have five days off. That's nice. I probably won't do much, but just having that length of time off is nice. Dan and I are going to Atlantic City Sunday. It's been a long time since we've gone there. Maybe we'll get together with John Finnegan. He retired there.

Talk to you soon!

Love, Robin

I can't quite believe this has happened, but I'm taking it as a good omen.

Yesterday morning, Dan asked me to go upstairs and check out a nest that had been built in our bathroom window. While he, the coward, stayed downstairs, I nervously went up, bug spray in hand, anticipating a nasty wasps' nest. I hate wasps. They fly in a creepy, stealthy way, have stingers and are obviously up to no good. While I've never been stung by any, I know they're plotting against me.

When I got upstairs, I could see the large, scary, dark form of the nest sitting between the screen and the window. It was obscured by the fog from Dan's bath, but the size alone frightened the shit out of me, and I called Dan to join me immediately. If I was going to open that window and spray a wasps' nest, I didn't want to be alone! Dan tried to make excuses about the dogs getting upstairs if he moved the baby gate, but I harshly ordered him up--now! He came up.

I wiped the fog off the window and looked carefully at the nest. Realizing it was constructed of grass and twigs, I calmed down. "It's a bird's nest," I said. I looked more closely and noted that the screen was ruined; it was completely torn at the bottom and partially on the right side; there was a hole bored in the top middle. When the birds had chosen to become squatters in my window, they had destroyed my screen in the process.

My first name is Robin, my last name translates from German into the word "bird", and I simply cannot, in all good conscience, destroy that nest. We aren't going to be able to open the window, but it's going to be delightful watching eggs and baby birds appear in the next in the coming weeks.

It's a good omen. I just feel it!

Love, Robin

So I went to the CW11 Upfronts yesterday, as planned, even though I already knew SUPERNATURAL had been renewed. I was wearing my brand-new, official SUPERNATURAL t-shirt and Dean's replica ring (Brad's Mother's Dan gifts).

I had my camera, a peanut butter sandwich and a couple of bananas. Dan drove me to the train station, I paid $9.25 for a one-way peak ticket and caught a 6:14 AM train to Penn Station. Once there, I followed a couple of girls to a Madison Square Garden door that had been decorated with right green CW11 logo walls and dark green carpeting. I ended up standing next to Kim and another, older, gal behind blue iron gates--perfect positions for meeting Jensen and Jared, getting pictures, autographs, and for giving them the copy of my TV Guide article!

We, along with a large group of other Padalecki/Ackles fans, waited there for six hours, but neither actor we so eagerly awaited showed up. Kim was near tears. She and her friend had driven from Albany. I knew someone else who had driven down from Canada!

I did collect autographs from and take photos of some other CW11 stars--John Glover (Lionel Luthor) and Erica Durance (Lois Lane), both from Smallville, and a couple of other actors from CW11 shows, but I wasn't there for them, I was there for Jared and Jensen! What made it worse was stories people had told me about meeting them last year; both of them were there and it had been so wonderful!

I was exhausted from standing in one place for so long, and thank God I'd had the foresight to bring something to eat, because I felt woozy enough to pass out at one point. It was also freezing early in the morning, and I hadn't worn a jacket or sweater over my SUPERNATURAL t-shirt. Poor Kim was freezing, too, and growing sadder as it became apparent Jared, her favorite, was not there. A friendly guard had a sheet of photos of those actors expected to appear, but he told us Jensen wasn't on it. Knowing he was already in NYC, we insisted there was a mistake. We should have listened to the guard, as it turned out.

Once the Upfronts started but Jensen hadn't appeared, we thought perhaps he'd entered a different way and we might still catch him coming out, so we opted to stick around until the presentation was over. We sat on the filthy New York street to talk. The other gals got lunch from a nearby McDonalds and we talked, laughed and discussed the show. I really enjoyed discussing SUPERNATURAL with like-minded ladies, something I don't have at home. It's really nice to talk to fans who are as obsessed with the show as I am. But I was already feeling disappointment flooding my stomach over what I considered a failed mission to meet the actors of my favorite show.

As the actors filed out, I took a few more photos, but still no Jensen. When one of the guards informed us all the stars had come out, we dejectedly began leaving. A group of other ladies was meeting fellow SUPERNATURAL fans at a bar, but, feeling sulky and depressed, I wasn't up to celebrating; I just wanted to go home. Funny--I was thrilled about the show's renewal, but as far as I was concerned, THAT day was supposed to be special for three reasons: season three renewal, final episode of the season, and meeting Jensen and Jared. Somehow, not getting #3 dulled #1 and 2 for me. I guess that's wrong of me, but I never said I wasn't a shallow bitch, did I? And it doesn't help, reading of everyone's encounters with Jensen at the Asylum convention; I wanted my OWN encounter with "the boys," damn it!

I met a local gal I'd been corresponding with, she calls herself Winter. Dull, mousy and when I told her how disappointed I was at Jensen not showing up, she just shrugged and said, "Luck of the draw." Maybe to her, but to me, it was a lot more. I was really pissed off, angry, upset, sad, depressed and thinking I have the worst fucking luck!

The season finale of SUPERNATURAL was excellent, very satisfying, and set up new storylines for season 3 brilliantly. I loved it. Now we have five fallow months without new eps. That sucks and blows.

But I do love this show to pieces!

Have a terrific weekend!

Love, Robin

We found out yesterday, from reliable sources, that SUPERNATURAL will be renewed for a third season. I immediately posted the wonderful news to all three of the lists to which I belonged, but neglected to add the reliable source when I did so, which is a no-no in such situations. I left work to go straight to Dr. Cardello's office (she asked me to call her Tracey), so there was no time to rectify my mistake, but other posters jumped in, and by the time I got back to the lists, everyone had been informed and was squeeing (that's a new word they use for being thrilled).

I've found out that Jensen Ackles is already here in NY, but he didn't greet fans at last year's Upfronts, so I fear he will run right past us tomorrow, especially after being attacked by one girl and ass-grabbed by others at the Asylum Convention in Conventry, England this past weekend. The fact that Jensen continued on with the con after a girl leaped at him and had to be pried off by bodyguards tells me he really does care about the fans. I haven't heard anything about Jared being here, so it's possible he had to bail on the Upfronts due to movie filming commitments. Ideally, I want to give copies of the TV Guide "Cheer" to Jensen and/or Jared so they know I've been championing the show as Jared had asked fans a few months back in an article I read. I would also like an autograph and photos, but something tells me I'm going to be waiting for nothing, especially if it's only Jensen who shows up. He may just be fed up with fans after spending a whole weekend with them in England and just bypass those of us who show up tomorrow.

I hope I'm not disappointed, but am preparing for the worst. Jared is much more forthcoming with fans, but if he isn't going to show up, I doubt we'll get much from Jensen. I've exchanged phone numbers with a gal named Winter, who lives out east, so we'll meet, and I'm sure there will be other SN fans who will congregate, celebrate and talk. I already know my feet and back are going to hurt standing around for hours. I just hope the weather cooperates.

Tracey's Hicksville office building is dingy, but her office is very pretty and soothing for us nut jobs. She gave me 45 minutes, which was very cool, and even though we were discussing some sad subjects, I DIDN'T CRY! I welled up a bit when I got to my car, but we talked about how much fun I had with my family on Mother's Day, and why I love SUPERNATURAL, subjects that made me happy. When I started talking about my mother, the mood turned darker, but I still didn't feel like crying. I think the extra Effexor is taking effect. Good!

I have to get my shit together for tomorrow--camera, money, TV Guide, extra pages, my brain. Oh, I hope I don't regret doing this city thing! Hey, at least it's something different, right?

Dan, Brad and I had two-fer dinners at Sidekicks last night, and Brad kept us laughing our asses off, mostly by insulting his father. My son, should he decide not to be a teacher, can have a career in stand-up one of these days. Seriously! He's that funny.

And I will wind this up. I hope I can get some sleep tonight. I have to get up super-duper early to catch a train tomorrow. I plan to get to Madison Square Garden around 6 AM!

Love, Robin

I left work early Friday to go to a 2:30 appointment with my shrink. I even took an hour of annual leave to get there on time, because I was told someone else took the 3 PM appointment. However, there apparently was a fuckup somewhere, and I sat waiting until 3:10 before I asked if the doctor was running late. She had me down for a 2 PM appointment and thought I had skipped it, yet she had called me the day before to remind me of my 2:30 appointment! So I was there until nearly 4, mostly crying over all the shitty things that happen in the world. It so happened that the day before a father had been shot and his three year old son had lain on top of his dead body and gone to sleep.

Things like this make me feel the world is an unsafe place, of course. I realize I really do have abandonment issues. My father left, my mother more or less left when she glommed onto her boyfriend and put me into the background of her life, so when you get down to the bottom line, was I really first with anyone in my early and teenage years? I guess I never felt that I was.

I really am a mess, huh? Fortunately, I now have a permanent weekly appointment with Dr. Cardello at her office in Hicksville, it's not far from HIP and I can see her every Tuesday at 3:30, which won't interfere with work at all. That's much better. Only problem is, when I got home, I found a bill for a $10 co-pay for her services. I was told by the billing department there was no co-pay to see this woman, so I have to get that straightened out.

Nancy and her husband, despite a flurry of open houses, have not gotten even one bid on their home here. I don't know how the hell they're going to move to Buffalo at this rate. They're going to not only take a loss, it's going to cost them money to get rid of this house!

I had a wonderful Mother's Day yesterday. Dan took me out to breakfast at Krisch's, where all moms were presented with a pink carnation. I also had a coupon for free ice cream for participating in a contest they had, so I collected a cup of chocolate peanut butter. Yum! For lunch, Dan, Brad and I drove to All American Burger for a feast of bad food--burgers, fries, onion rings, and shakes (I had a Diet Coke because I'd had the ice cream earlier). I tossed pieces of bun, fries and onion rings to eager birds who gathered around to share what we were eating. The weather was cool, sunny and dry, the first time in four years it wasn't raining on Mother's Day.

After eating, we went to beach #6, where we walked the boardwalk until we reached the miniature golf course. We played a game and had a terrific time. Brad proved himself quite the putter, and we all got a couple of amazing holes in one. The sun gave us some nice color in our cheeks; we walked back to the car, tired and laughing.

When we got home, I took a long nap, but that turned out to be a problem; by the time I woke up, it was too late to do the food shopping for the week! So today after work, I have to shop for fruit and Brad's cold cut. Could Dan and/or Brad have taken care of that while I slept? Yes. Did they? No. Did they wake me up in time for me to do it? No. So, not fruit today!

Dan and I did the gym thing on Saturday, after we did the breakfast buffet thing. Poor guy couldn't even make it through a full hour of exercise!

Oh, as far as Mother's Day gifts are concerned, Dan bought me a heart necklace from Macy's (I found it in the mail when I got home Friday), but I already had it. I wasn't going to say anything, but realized that was foolish, so we returned it to Macy's Saturday after we had dinner at the diner. We ended up buying me a really nice red leather pocketbook at Penney's. I don't think Dan was thrilled over watching me looking at one pocketbook after another, but I have very specific needs in bags, and had to find the perfect one. The one I chose fit my needs exactly.

I gave Brad a list of SUPERNATURAL items I wanted online, and he ordered them for me himself. I should be receiving those in a couple of days. All except the calendar, which won't arrive until September. I can't wait to get the other stuff! Hopefully it will arrive before I go to Thursday's Upfronts.

I can't think of anything else to write here, but I know I've been lax in keeping you appraised.

I've done my share of crying, but I do think I'm feeling better since my medication was raised. A woman I know online is begging me to stop taking Effexor; she tells me when she went off it, she had a terrible reaction. She's begging me to consult another doctor and take something else.

Right now, all I need is more sleep! I woke up at 3:30 AM and couldn't get back to sleep thanks to Dan's snoring. So I got up and watched some of my DVR'd programs. I am exhausted now!

Love, Robin