Change is difficult, and for me, one of the worst parts of all this is that I've been dealing with this burden for my whole life, and now, at 53, have essentially wasted my life!

I will buy a book of daily affirmations and check into an ACOA group, too.

Someone here at work pointed out that, despite my difficult upbringing, I rose above it all and made a good life. I have a loving husband, a home, money in the bank, a terrific son, etc. I could have turned to drinking, drugs, stealing, etc., but didn't. You know, Cassie, it's weird--I remember making conscious decisions about not drinking until it was legal for me to do so, about not having sex until I was at least in love, about NEVER doing drugs unless a doctor prescribed them. I was going to be a GOOD girl. I turned out GOOD, but I'm also a sad, lonely woman much of the time.

I think back to my girlfriends, the clique I hung out with in high school. Did I ever confide in any of those girls my problems at home? I know they sometimes saw my mother drunk and saying stupid, embarrassing things, which made me feel ashamed. I avoided bringing friends home for that reason, preferring to hang out at their houses instead.

If my life story were made into a movie, it would be the most maudlin piece of crap ever, I swear. Time to drag myself out of this depressed rut. And there's no time like the present!

Love, Robin

I had what my shrink calls a "major breakthrough" yesterday. All I know is, I was just sitting there, crying so hard I thought my head was going to explode. My realization? I hate myself, and don't consider myself worthy of anyone's love! I told my doctor I think I'm pathetic, if that's true, and she chastised me for calling myself that. I guess I have a lot of work ahead of me.

Then, when he got home last night from the gym, Dan told me he weighs over 200 pounds, which is more than he's ever weighed. I was very upset about that, because I have a complex about being abandoned by people I love, either through death or just through moving away, and Dan's mom warned me that her brother, who has a similar physique to Dan, died of a heart attack in his mid-fifties, so now I'm scared I'm going to lose my husband.

I'll be back later to add to this, but I just wanted to get this stuff out so you know what happened in my life yesterday. My question is, now that I've brought all this to the surface, what do I do about it? How do I undo all these years of feeling like I didn't want to be a burden to anyone? How I never had anyone to turn to when *I* was in need? How I guess I still don't?

I don't expect much of anything from anyone anymore. As I've said before, I usually end up collecting for things like the American Diabetes Association (because I want to) and the American Heart Association because I get a phone call pleading that no one else will, and I feel guilty and sad, so I accept the responsibility of collecting, then feel terrible when none of my neighbors contributes a dime. One year, no one on my block list had contributed to my diabetes collection, and I was feeling angry and depressed. An elderly couple sent $5.00, explaining that was all they could afford. Nancy, that tiny contribution sent me into such tears! I was a wreck!

I grew up in a one parent household with an alcoholic, bi-polar mother. I'm sure that is the root of all my problems with lack of self-esteem and self-worth, self-hatred and realization that I have always gone out of my way not to burden anyone. It's a wonder I never turned to drugs or alcohol--but that is one thing my mother DID do for me. She showed me what booze can do to one's life, so I made a conscious effort to turn away from that and similar, mind-numbing substances.

Now, will I be able to undo this mess? I sure hope so, because I'm 53, and I would hate to think the rest of my life is going to be lived feeling like this about myself.

You know what? I should probably change the name of my blog. My life doesn't seem so whacky these days.

On a brighter note, I am making some solid plans to get to Vancouver and the SUPERNATURAL studio later this summer, perhaps via my sister in law in Seattle, WA. Dan and I could take Amtrak from there to Vancouver. The studio is in Burnaby. Making plans always pleases me. It gives me something to look forward to. And that is good.

Love, Robin

I could take a nap sitting here in my office chair, I swear. I fell asleep with difficulty last night and woke up early. I couldn't get back to sleep because of Dan's snoring. Blah.

Dan had to work overtime Saturday morning. I dropped Snaps off at the Farmingdale groomer at 8 AM (Bugsy was NOT happy being left behind, and pooped in my room. Brad cleaned it up). Snaps really wasn't thrilled to go, but he desperately needed clipping, especially after getting poop stuck to his rear-end on Friday.

I walked down the almost-empty early morning street for breakfast--an egg on a bagel and an iced coffee.

I was heading to the gym when, crying, I realized I couldn't let Nancy leave for Buffalo without saying goodbye to her in person. I had no idea if she and Chris had already left or not, but I bypassed the gym and took the now-familiar trip to Luyster Avenue to her house. When I saw the motor home parked in front, I knew they were still there. Nancy was just pulling down the driveway. Seeing me, she stopped. I got out of the car, she got out of hers, and I, with tears in my eyes, told her I couldn't let her go without a hug. We hugged, and I tried hard not to burst into tears. To be honest, I was upset that she hadn't made more of an effort to invite me over to say goodbye to the dogs and cats. I asked if I could give them all one last pat, but she mumbled something about Chris being in his underwear, in a crappy mood, that Vivi might jump on me and with her injury, she might hurt herself again, yada yada yada.

I don't know, but the woman is just weird. Here I went out of my way to go to her house to say goodbye and she didn't even seem that glad to see me. When I had five days off during the Memorial Day weekend, she could have invited me over (I did offer to help her pack) to see the animals and say goodbye to them.

I followed her down Route 110, since we were going in the same direction, and we waved and chatted a bit, but she made the left turn onto Duryea (I have no idea why she was going into work on Saturday), and I continued on to my gym. I exercised about an hour. An handsome trailer named James came over to speak to me. He advised me to do more weight training, and of course talked me into my free hour with him for this Thursday. I might cancel, I'm not sure yet. We'll see. With Tracey tomorrow and him Thursday, it might be too much for me in one week. Hmmm, feeding the body and mind. Might actually be good for me, huh?

Dan, Brad and I gave the Spartan Diner another chance Saturday. We used to go there, but food quality went downhill, so we stopped. We were very impressed this time, and they have a buy one dinner, get one half price deal every day of the week.

Brad got free Mets tickets for yesterday's game from a colleague and asked Dan to go with him. That left me on my own for most of the day. I took the dogs for a walk, then meandered up and down First Avenue, which had its annual block garage sale. I picked up three nice shirts for Dan for a buck apiece, cards, and pens. A lot of folks had very sweet, friendly dogs out, and I had fun playing with them. One woman adopted a dog from Bide-a-Wee with a serious liver problem. It's costing her a fortune to keep the dog in good health, but what a sweet little thing Maddy is! It makes me glad to see there are such good, giving people in this world.

I took a long nap in the afternoon with Bugsy and Snaps. I was awakened by a phone call from Dan letting me know they had arrived at Port Washington. I got up quickly and ran to Met Food to get fruit and cold cuts for the week. I arrived home just in time for Dan and Brad to help me carry the groceries into the house. When we couldn't decide where to go for dinner, we ordered in Chinese food. When I tried to keep the dogs from chasing after the delivery guy, Bugsy bit my leg, leaving me with a nasty black and blue mark. Damn strong dog!

And yet another person exits my life. Dan brought me home flowers the other night because he knows how bereft I feel about the abandonment in my life. When I stop and think about it, I really do feel sad. But I've got to stop that. It does me no good. I need to concentrate on the positives in my life.

Love, Robin

Because I worked three ten hour days, this week didn't seem all that short. I'm worried about Charlie, my co-worker, going in for surgery and jealous that he's getting 6-8 weeks away from this place. That's why I saved up so much annual leave, but so far, no surgery to get me out of here! I should put in for insanity leave, I guess.

Nancy is supposed to stop by here sometime before I leave. I'm not counting on it. I've already lost my chance to say goodbye to her animals, which saddens me. I will always remember lying on her bed, watching the first season of SUPERNATURAL on Dan's little DVD player with the dogs and cats gathered around me. I felt safe, unburdened and happy--no one to make dinner for but myself! And Nancy's house was uncluttered, unlike mine, which is always such a mess.

The nest in my upstairs bathroom window appears to be ready for eggs, if there aren't already some in there. It appears to have been built sideways, and I can't really see inside. A couple of times, a bird has stared back at me while I've looked at it, then flown away through my fluttering screen. I still can't believe they busted through the screen to build their home. Wild! I'm looking forward to baby birds.

My mood is low, and I'm bursting into tears again for no good reason. I was reading a review of KNOCKED UP, a new movie, which made me cry. I really want to see it, mainly because it's done by the same folks who made 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN, another movie I really liked. Maybe Sharon will want to see it with me.

I'm so tired. I didn't see Tracey this week, but I'm looking forward to seeing her next week for our regular appointment. I don't know how she's going to be able to help me, but I've never gone for therapy for any length of time before. I'd like to think it's going to make a positive difference.

I want so badly to meet Jared and Jensen, and I've been thinking it's time to contact Karen and ask about visiting her. We could rent a car in Seattle and travel up to Vancouver. Perhaps she'd want to come along as our guide? MAYBE she's even a fan of the show and would want to join us at the studio? Miracles happen. I know I'd feel great if I could solidify plans and make this happen!

Can't think of anything more to add right now. My brain feels fried. Totally, to a crisp.

Have a great weekend, my friends!

Love, Robin

I know--I took five days off from work, and five days away from my blog, too. And I did promise myself that I'd keep up with this while I was home, but I didn't keep that promise.

I am working overtime every day this week. Charlie might be needing to get an operation as early as today, which means I might get stuck doing the truck cards as well as JR's job. That will mightily suck, since I HATE doing the truck cards and was hoping Charlie had done them for this month. But noooooo! Looks like I'm going to get stuck. And on top of everything else I have to do, added on to my depression about Nancy leaving (yet another person abandoning me). No wonder I'm such a basket case!

But I'm here now. I had five glorious days off, and since I've come back, I've mostly been crying because Nancy is almost gone and I'm going to miss her. This place obviously has a terrible affect on me. I really need to retire. But I still have a little over two years to go, and I'm not sure I'll be able to afford to retire when that time comes.

I took both last Friday and yesterday off, days Dan and Brad both worked. I went to the gym, did some necessary shopping (food), and watched some of the DVR'd TV shows I have stored up. Brad has switched his bowling night from Friday to Wednesday, so he joined Dan and me at Sizzler Friday night. He doesn't like their buffet and complained about it. So I guess I will just make him dinner again on Fridays. I've been urging my son to buy a house, with the sellers' market we've got going now. He could do that, get some of his friends still living at home to move in with him; they could all learn how to live on their own, and I could finally get that empty nest I've been hearing about! I love my son, but at 24, I really do think it's time he got out on his own. I have this vision of him and Ali staring at the stove and whispering to each other, "I think it's supposed to cook us dinner. . .but how?"

Sunday, Dan and I grabbed a six-dollar bus to Atlantic City. The only drawback was that, being the last two onboard, we didn't get to sit together. He was stuck next to a fat man who nearly pushed him out into the aisle, while I sat beside Vanessa, a woman who, at first didn't want to speak to me at all, then wouldn't shut up. At least I got a window seat. Because the bus was completely packed, we got an express bus directly to AC, and got there in just under three hours.

Even though I was wearing my lucky(?) Demon Winchester Tour t-shirt, I would have had an easier time getting mugged in AC. I couldn't win a freakin' thing! We stayed at the Tropicana, for the most part, walking over to the Hilton for a short time, but my luck didn't improve there, either. Dan fared better than I did, but we were probably down about $200 between us, and that sucks. The Trop has designated much of the casino to non-smoking areas, so that was nice; at least our clothes and hair didn't stink of tobacco.

We had made prior arrangements for John Finn, a friend and retiree from my office, to meet us. John lives with his girlfriend, Patty, only nine miles away from AC. John gambles so often, he is comped everywhere, so he treated us to an amazingly delicious buffet at the Trop. We talked (I got upset when he started discussing postal matters and asked that the subject be changed), then went to gamble together. They gave us some pointers, and I really did learn a few things. Not that it helped us win, mind you, but it taught me for the future. Unfortunately, we had to leave by 5 PM (of course, only a six hour stay this time, when seven would have been welcome just this once, we were having such a great time. Dan and I thanked Finn and Patty for their generosity.

The ride home was pretty swift (although we got stuck in bumper to bumper traffic in the heart of AC), but I got home in time to see an unexpected rerun of SUPERNATURAL, which is now being shown on Sunday as well as Thursday.

Nancy's husband, Chris, was given a big bash of a send-off from his postal inspector's job. Nancy was barely given a goodbye from hers. That doesn't surprise me. I'm really the only friend Nancy made here, and she managed to alienate just about everyone else with her negativity. But it still hurts to be dismissed like that. Nancy claims she doesn't want to say goodbye because it's too depressing, but to see her husband feted so lovingly and while she is ignored this way can't be easy. I was feeling very sad, too, because I wanted to say goodbye to Nancy's dogs and cats before they leave, and I was home for five days, during which time I could have gone to her house anytime to do that! She didn't invite me, although she knew I wanted to fo that.

No wonder I have this feeling of abandonment! Everyone really IS just trying to ditch me.

I know, that sounds so childish. But I can't help the way I feel. I've been so good, but this whole business is just bugging me so much. I feel like having a temper tantrum!

Love, Robin