Connie wasn't in today, so I was alone here for the first 3 hours of the day. I mean alone in this big room. I had to ask for my second in command to hang out and answer the phone when I needed to go out and get oatmeal in the cafeteria. Normally, I have my own, but my milk spoiled, so I had to buy it. They had milk, cinnamon and Sweet'n'Low, so I was all set. I just had to make sure the phones were covered before I left. It was kind of crappy not having Connie to talk to about the ongoing romance between her daughter Danielle and boyfriend Dan (they're 13, so innocent and adorable), but it's the end of the school year and there are things Connie has to go to for her kids.

Brad's school year is grinding to a halt, too, his first year of teaching over. I think he's proctoring exams now, so most of his day is free. Dan and I took him out to dinner last night at Sidekicks for the two-fer and we had a great time. Now that Brad has re-joined the gym right near home, he's making bringing his diabetes under control a priority. I wish he would make that a priority all year round, given that it's a life or death scenario, but just as I can't force Dan (or myself, for that matter) to pay attention all the time, I can't make him do so. He's going to take courses, too. For ever 15 credits he gets, his salary goes up, so since he didn't get the summer school teaching job, it makes sense for him to make money a different way instead.

I had my shrink session with Tracey yesterday. For the first time since I started seeing her, we discussed my sex life--or lack of one--with Dan. I teared up as I related how I decided to be a GOOD girl when I was a young teenager and not have sex until I was at least in love, so I held onto my virginity until Dan, which turned out to be a big mistake, since we were apparently sexually incompatible. Or are we? See, I'm not sure if it's that, or just me, that I'm incapable of having a sexual relationship with any guy because I'm such a big, screwed-up mess. Dan is such a great, easygoing guy, and I seem to recall that, when we were in bed together in the early days, he was playful, willing to try anything I wanted, do whatever I suggested. I was the cold, unresponsive, no-fun one in our relationship, and I'm sure the one who killed it.

I told Tracey that Dan was still my best friend. She said that adding a great sex life to that friendship is really a wonderful thing. So I guess I have been missing something all these years, huh, being sexually repressed in addition to everything else? How sad is that? Well, just add it to all the other terrific things I've missed along the way. I really do hope we are reincarnated, because I plan to have a total blast when I come back!

The worst thing is, I explained to Tracey that Dan indicated on our last cruise that he was interested in making love to me, but that *I* was no longer interested. I'm simply not attracted to my husband anymore. I love him, but I no longer want him. Which effectively, and probably for all time, buries my sex life. RIP!

I keep seeing sympathy in Tracey's eyes. I think about all I've revealed to her about myself, what a total loser I am. Is she thinking that I'm a project that is going to pay for a Beemer by the time we're done? Or a new house?

Sigh.

I'm seeing KNOCKED UP with Sharon Friday night. That's something really nice to look forward to.

Love, Robin

Dan's birthday was Saturday, yesterday was Father's Day. I was supposed to bake a cake for Dan to take to work today, but I FORGOT! What kind of shitty wife am I, anyway?

Dan and Mike watched a PPV wrestling event last night, which kept me out of the living room and therefore out of the kitchen (I watched TV in my room last night), so I totally forgot to bake the cake, but I feel so guilty for screwing that up! Dan, Brad and I went out to the Spartan Diner (which was blissfully uncrowded despite it being Father's Day) for dinner. They had somewhat expensive specials, but they included appetizers, salad, soup, entree, sides, coffee and dessert, so it really wasn't bad at all. I paid with my credit card, so seemed like I was actually treating Dan to the meal. The three of us were laughing a lot, and it was really fun.

Afterwards, we went to the bank to deposit a $50 birthhday check Steve sent Brad back in April which Dan found on the floor while cleaning. By the way, Brad was gone with Ali's family to a wedding in Syracuse from Friday night until Sunday afternoon. He and Ali flew there.

Moving backwards: I saw Sharon for dinner Friday, and for the third time in a row, I drove to her house. She had to get Gabby to and from dance rehearsal, but it turned out Jeanette took care of getting her there; we just had to pick her up after we got back from dinner. Jeanette showed me her engagement ring from boyfriend Chris. It's a beautiful pear-shaped diamond with baguettes on each side, set in white gold. They won't be getting married until 2009, when Jeannette will have her teaching degree (she's gone back to college).

Sharon and I walked to the Greek restaurant in town. I had Greek salad with toasted pita bread--delicious! For once, *I* wanted to see a movie, KNOCKED UP, but since Sharon had to pick up Gabby, we couldn't. She suggested we see the 9:45 show, but I was way too tired for that. We're going to go next Friday, probably my neck of the woods. I might be able to get us in for free with the passes Nancy gave me before she left.

After picking up Gabby, we ended up getting ice cream. I paid for the three of us a three for two coupon she had, and the chocolate soft serve was delicious! Despite Sharon's being on Weight Watchers, she always ends up getting ice cream when she's with me. We went to the park to watch the sun set over the water, and Sharon told us a sad story about a guy she dated in 8th grade and how he was run over a few years ago when he stopped to change a flat tire. "You know," she said, "he was one person I always hoped to run into someday." "Well," I said, before thinking, "someone beat you to it." She looked at me, stunned, then the two of us burst into hysterical laughter at my very black humored remark. Her daughter, in the back seat, said, "That's TERRIBLE!" Yet Sharon and I couldn't stop laughing for at least five full minutes, and by the time we were through, we were crying a little, too. She thinks her husband is having affairs with men again, on days he's having physical therapy (he just extends them and meets these men he picks up via the internet), and while she wants me to think she doesn't give a shit, it's obvious she does.

I also had an hour and a half long conversation with Pat, my sister in law, who sounds in such a deep depression, I'm seriously worried about her. She quit her job a while back, doesn't want to leave the house, is fearful of being hurt by anyone. Her doctor raised her anti depressant medication, but it sounds to me like she needs therapy and lots of it. She's seeing someone once a month, but that isn't enough, at least I don't think so. Her 22 year old son is having problems with alcohol and he shattered--not broke, SHATTERED--his 27-year-old sister's hand in a fight they had--and didn't remember doing it! She needed surgery with pins and plates to fix it, and Pat is convinced her kids are trying to kill her with their insane behavior. Now her younger daughter isn't speaking to her because Pat didn't want her to call the police on her son--the girl's brother! It's a huge mess and Pat sounds totally crazed. When Steve asked me to give Pat a call the other day, I had no idea how bad off she was, and he gave me no idea whatsoever! She says she's gained weight, and wants to get a dog, even though they don't live as long as people do, and she saw how much losing Mercedes changed Steve. I told her to get a dog, go to the pound of shelter and save a life. It sounds like Pat needs someone or something to give her love to that will return it. I hate to say it, but she doesn't even sound all that enthused about Steve anymore, which worries me, too.

I'm going to have to call Pat more often and make sure she's OK. She sounds completely different than the self-assured, happy woman I remember.

My car had begun making a terrible screeching sound every time I put my foot on the brake beginning Friday on my way home. I realized driving home from Sharon's that I was going to have to bring it in to Willie's Saturday, and since I didn't have an appointment, I was going to have to leave it there to be fixed--and Dan was working until 3 PM! Indeed, when I got there at 8 AM, when they opened, they weren't happy to see me, they were so busy. I walked from there to Farmingdale, where I stopped for an iced coffee at 7/11. It was warm but breezy, so walking wasn't bad. I stopped at Bollingers for breakfast--scrambled eggs, corned beef hash, hash browns and rye toast. I drank my 7/11 coffee.

I figured I'd just walk home, even though I knew it was probably a good four miles or so. I had to stop back at Willie's to pick up my house key, or I would have been locked out of the house altogether until Dan got home. I was growing hot, sweaty and tired as I walked, wishing home was closer. I stopped at a garage sale, then realized I really didn't want to carry anything in my arms all the way home. Thank God I had my music, which I'd pulled out of the car before leaving to head to Farmingdale!

I was trudging down Carmen's when someone in an SUV pulled over and called to me. I gazed at the woman inside suspiciously. She looked somewhat familiar. "I'm your neighbor! I have two sons?" she said. I shook my head; i didn't remember her. "I have a little white dog?" she said. Ah ha! I knew the white dog house! "You want a ride?" she offered. I should have said no. I was supposed to go to the gym that morning, so this walk was my exercise. What I really should have done was send her on her way and continue walking.

What I DID do was hop into her air-conditioned SUV and settle into the cushy seat with a sigh of delight. "THANK YOU!" I said.
You're a lifesaver!" She knew exactly where I lived and dropped me off right in front of my house. It was so good to be out of the hot sun!

That evening, Dan, Mike and I went to dinner at Big Daddy's. You didn't think Dan would let an occasion go by without a stop at Big Daddy's do you? Dan HAD to have a drink for his birthday, and Mike had two (turns out Dan was treating him to those drinks, so of course he had two)! They cost $8 apiece! I had the jumbalaya, which was so spicy, I could only manage to eat 1/3 of it. I brought the rest home. All three of us brought home some food. The bill was over $100 with the tip, quite expensive.

Mike was supposed to come back to exchange gifts, but he fell asleep once he got home. He didn't return until rather late, but they liked each other's gifts and spent the rest of the evening playing on the computer.

The Dan's 56th birthday/Father's Day celebration is done. I still owe him a birthday cake. I have the dentist this afternoon, but perhaps I'll bake the cake tonight anyway. I really do owe the guy, you know?

Love, Robin

I was remembering something written in my 6th grade autograph graduation book: "You love yourself, you think you're grand, you go to the movies and hold your hand, you put your arm around your waist, and when you get fresh, you slap your face!"

Some people thought me aloof, conceited, into myself. I wasn't. The fact that my mother was having an affair with a married man and that her contemporaries and therefore, MY contemporaries knew about it, probably made me ashamed. Or maybe it was because my tits were too big and I slumped my shoulders and I was ashamed of THAT. Who knows, I had some much crap on my plate, it's a wonder I was able to hold my head up at all.

Yet, I persevered, didn't I? I grew up, made it through junior high and high school (although not with the kind of grades that showed my intelligence, when you think about it), learned to drive a car, went to two years of local college, then two of away college, took 11 jobs before settling with one for almost 28 years now, married a nice guy, had a wunderkind child, and here I am, a miserable wreck of a woman. I love my two dogs, my best friend, Sharon (who I am seeing tonight, hurray!), and yet, there is this undercurrent of sadness in me that has been there as long as I can remember, even in the midst of my happiest moments.

I feel unutterably lonely much of the time, and sorry for myself. I get very angry at those times, because it's so pathetic to waste time that way, and certainly doesn't help in the effort to raise one's self-esteem, does it?

I've always wanted to be a hero, to be loved and admired by others, ideally by a LOT of others. That's where the Pollyanna ending comes in--she's surrounded by all the people of Harrington whose lives she has changed for the better; paralyzed, she needs reassurance that the gladness she brought to others is going to come back around and change her life for the better, make her well again.

Does all this stem from the awful way my mother often treated me when she was drunk, when she made me feel she loved her boyfriend more than she loved me? That, too ashamed to confide in anyone, I hid all my sorrow and depression from even my closest girlfriends, turning instead to TV shows like DARK SHADOWS for solace, because I didn't trust people to be there for me? So, I became someone who never wanted to burden anyone because I got out of the habit of trusting people or asking them for anything? I became a woman who felt unworthy of anyone's help, support, love, friendship, hell, anything?

How did I evolve into this pathetic person?

More importantly, how do I de-evolve FROM this pathetic person?

Love, Robin

When I got home from my shrink appointment last night, Brad was heading out the door--Steve had called from a diner in East Meadow inviting him and me for dinner. Brad had tried calling my cell, but I was with Tracey, talking about my troubled past. So Brad and I hopped into his car and headed right out to the Embassey Diner on Hempstead Turnpike. We had a wonderful time, reminiscing, telling Brad about the grandparents he'd never met. It got kind of sad when I told Steve and Brad about the July day the men landed on the moon when I ran away from home because my drunk mother was verbally abusing me. Steve never heard that story before, and looked really zorry to be hearing about it for the first time. Brad, too, looked really miserable. I don't think he had any idea of the crappy childhood I had. Yet, when Steve talked about some of the crap we went through with our mother, we were laughing over it. Go figure!

As we were leaving, Steve asked me to call Pat. I promised I would. hope she's all right. If she wants to talk to me, why doesn't she call me?

I ate very little of my spinach pie and rice, deciding to leave most of it for Dan. He called during our meal, wondering where everyone was, but by then, we'd finished eating and it was too late to invite him to join us. I told him I was bringing him home something, but when he saw what I'd brought him, he complained that wouldn't fill him up (this from the man who told me he topped 200 pounds)!

Nancy called me last night and talked of how quiet and peaceful her new home is. She's in the middle of nowhere, which doesn't sound so bad to me, but not permanently. The closest shopping center is a 10 minute drive away, and it's a small one. Listen, if that's the life that makes her happy, she's welcome to it. I'll pay her a visit, but I doubt it's a place I'd want to stay for more than a short time.

SUPERNATURAL news: They're supposed to be adding two hot chicks to the show, hunters even more skilled than Sam and Dean. Everyone in online fandom is up in arms about it, fearing it's the beginning of the end of the brotherly relationship, the winning texture of the show, SUPERNATURAL itself! Instead of giving it a chance, everyone is already seeing doom on the horizon. Jensen and Jared have wanted characters added to the show to take some of the burden off their shoulders, and they certainly deserve that, yet all these fans who claim to love them so much are screaming in protest that they don't want any changes made to the show. You can't have it both ways. On the other hand, if this change means SUPERNATURAL doesn't see a fourth season, then I don't want it, either! But I am willing to take a wait-and-see attitude before panicking, like so many others already have.

My half-brother, Mark, e-mailed me the other day, responding to an e-mail from me. I was so delighted to hear from him, as I told Tracey yesterday. He has two daughters, which means I have two nieces. I know Joel has at least five kids, so I have even more nephews and niece! That's pretty wild to think about, huh? I tend to think about myself as part of a small family, but not as small as all that, right?

I can't wait to go home! I'm exhausted, as usual, but have lots of downloading to do from the dean_sam Live Journal.

Love, Robin

After nearly a year at my gym, I made arrangements on Saturday to utilize my free hourlong session with one of the trainers there. I believe they're all from a separate company called Body of Change, and their job is to work with you for that hour and talk you into more sessions at $36 apiece.

My appointment was at noon, and Dan was working overtime until then. I worked with James, an attractive guy who first had me fill out a form listing my goals, my weight, height, etc. I put down everything honestly, and mentioned that I have diabetes. I didn't take a glipizide, but I did eat oatmeal mixed with nuts (I did some shopping very early at Wal-Marts) and treated myself to a fresh, delicious black and white cookie from the bakery in town.

I also mailed a birthday gift to Jared Padalecki from the post office--a highly complimentary "happy birthday" letter I wrote to him on one side, the page from TV Guide featuring my Cheer of the Week for Supernatural on the other, both slipped into one of those clear pages that can be put into a notebook.