I've never let this go without posting for this long, and I apologize. I had last week off and just didn't want to post from home. I have no really acceptable excuse.

Today is my 29th wedding anniversary. My husband presented me with a lovely anniversary card, a star silver necklace and had our special day mentioned on two radio stations. We can't get either station here at work, so I didn't hear either dedication, but he called to tell me what he'd done. What did I do for Dan, you wonder? I took a plain card we had lying around and wrote up some of my usual bullshit, the kind I do so well because I'm a writer and it comes easily to me. I compared us to Marge and Homer, since we saw THE SIMPSONS movie yesterday and it seemed appropriate. He got his $2,000 TV set, which I think is enough.

And yet, I feel as if our marriage is in a rut, sexless, while he has internet sex with God knows who. For the most part, I don't even care. Of course, if I learned he was having a REAL affair, I'd cut him loose very quickly. He's a decent guy, for the most part, and takes care of our bills. Yes, he spends too much money, but he ordered me an I-Pod with all the points we got for spending so much on our credit card, and worked much of this weekend figuring out how to use it. He annoys me a lot, leaving lights on and such, and he can barely walk much of the time, but he's affectionate and takes me out to dinner and helps with household chores, and we're friends. I guess that sounds kind of sad, but I wonder, how many marriages of 29 years are filled with passion?

So, I canceled my trip to Vancouver because one woman told me Jensen and Jared wouldn't be there last week. I called the studio and spoke with Leslie, who bitchily wouldn't give me a straight answer on the subject, even though I told her how much money I was spending flying out there. She didn't seem to give a shit about that, but gave me the definite impression the week I'd planned would be a bad week to come. So I canceled, leaving myself with the possibility of losing $500 in plane fare.

Guess what? Jared and Jensen WERE there last week, working on filing the show! If I'd gone, I WOULD probably have met them! I listened to two women who gave me wrong/false information!

I am so angry at myself, and at them, I just want to SCREAM!

I can only blame myself for stupidly believing these people. But what was I to do? Take a chance and go, only to get there and find out they weren't going to be there? Poor Jared missed Comic Con this weekend in San Diego because they had him working until 6 AM and he missed an 8 AM plane. Give the poor guy a break! Jensen made it, though, along with Kripke and two of the writers.

How did I spend my summer vacation? NOT IN VANCOUVER!

I went to the gym, shopped in the dollar store, went to Wal-Mart, saw a free outdoor concert with Dan (Eric Burdon & the Animals, and another, better group whose name I can't recall right now.

We took Mike to and from Winthrop Hospital so he could get a new pacemaker installed. He hated being at the hospital and was glad to get sprung early. It was teeming rain yesterday when we drove to pick him up, but Mike was beaming when we drove him home to his own apartment. Dan, Mike, Brad and I went to dinner at Giovanni's last night and had a nice dinner. Brad finally told me he's got $27,000 saved in his bank account. My God, that's after only one year of teaching!

Aside from the SIMPSONS MOVIE, I saw HAIRSPRAY alone on Thursday. It was a very upbeat flick, which I needed. I just felt like I'd been cheated out of my Vancouver trip, even though I didn't find out until yesterday for sure that Jensen and Jared WERE there when I thought they weren't.

Monday, the first weekday of my vacation, I was so depressed, I put the finishing touches on a personal and confidential letter addressed to Eric Kripke, the executive producer of SUPERNATURAL. I told him that I'm an ordinary woman who has been thwarted in two attempts to meet the J's, that I wrote the "cheer" letter to TV Guide (and sent him a copy), and that I would really appreciate it if he could make my dream come true. I went out in a torrential downpour to mail it as if I were on some sort of wartime quest, doing it the self-service way. Now, I'm waiting.

In the meantime, I've hooked up with a gal named Chris, from Colorado. She's a former DS fan who knows Mary, another DS fan I have known for years. Mary and I were Fridettes together in Jonathan Frid's one-man show a few years back, so it really IS a small world. It looks like I might be going with them to Vancouver sometime in September as I try once again to meet the J's.

I'm hoping Eric reads my letter, takes pity on me, and gives me a "queen for a day" wish fulfillment. Sigh! Wouldn't that be great? I used to watch QUEEN FOR A DAY when I was little, and it always made me cry when those women got their fondest wishes granted.

Tracey asked me last week why I want so much to meet the J's. She had just revealed that she was working toward participating in a triathalon, so I explained, "That's your goal. Meeting these guys is mine."

How to explain? I NEED this! My life is ordinary. I need this to make it extraordinary. I bid on and won an autographed photo of J & J on eBay; it comes with a COA. I would like them to sign something in front of me so I can see if those are their real signatures!

I sound looney, don't I? I think I do. Brad is taking Dan and I out to dinner tonight for our anniversary, which will be so nice.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, DAN!

Love, Robin

It rained, poured, teemed today! I'm talking so much rain, we watched it crawl up our tires in the parking lot, which had water that looked deep enough to swim in. Thunder boomed and lightning flashed constantly, for well over an hour, and the sky looked as dark as 11 o'clock at night.

Some people found their cars flooded inside, and we unable to start them. Poor Brad, who woke up sick with a fever, got stuck trying to merge onto the Wantagh State Parkway and waited in bumper to bumper traffic for a long time before finally finding his way to the one-day class he was taking in BOCES Hicksville.

It made for a nifty sense of doom-thrill, sure, but when I kept calling Brad's cell and he didn't answer, I felt panic creeping up my spine, and I didn't like that at all. I didn't breathe easy until I got a phone call from him, and that wasn't until after 12:30! So I got to stew in my own fear for a while, which I HATE!

I got the paperwork from the insurance company today, and there's a part that my doctor has to fill out. Since I didn't even consult my doctor about my "back problem," I don't know how this is going to work out. Will Dr. Mehta lie for me? I think I'm going to have to make an appointment to go see her tomorrow and pretend to be in terrible pain, just to get these papers filled out. Sigh.

Love, Robin

Of course I was in a piss-poor mood all weekend; my plans to meet Jensen and Jared in Vancouver were shot to hell and I was miserable about it.

When I got home from work Friday afternoon, Brad came into the dining room to ask about my day. Overwhelmed, I burst into tears. He hugged me and I told him what had happened, that the week I had made plans to meet the actors from SPN, they weren't going to be there. I sobbed in my sons arms and he told me I had a lot to be thankful for and a lot more than most. Of course, he was right, but all that didn't matter to me, I was disappointed and depressed over yet another example of my bad luck.

Thinking it all might yet be salvageable if the J's were going to be at the studio even Monday and Tuesday, I called Vancouver and spoke with Leslie, who I assume is the receptionist. When I introduced myself and explained about my (and other fans', like my friend Liz from Florida) thousand dollar investment in this trip and asked if she could tell me if J & J were going to be there that week, she insisted she "couldn't give me that information." I was incredulous! I understand the need for security, but why couldn't she be more considerate of US? I finally got her to admit that the week I had booked to come there wasn't a good week to come to the studio. She actually said there were NO good weeks to do that, the SUPERNATURAL set is a closed set and chances of meeting the actors are slim. She was very discouraging, and yet I've known many fans who just show up on the set and get to meet the actors! I found myself hating Leslie, yet I've heard some folks with very kind things to say about her.

So I was faced with a non-refundable, unchangeable plane ticket and a loss of $500. I spent much of this morning on the phone with Traveocity, canceling the hotel, speaking with countless people, all of whom had thick Indian accents. I was left on hold for 45 minutes at one point. Thank you, outsourcing! Fortunately, I took travel insurance, so I will probably get my flight money back, but it will take a long time and I will ultimately lose money on this deal regardless.

I was sad all weekend, and cried a bunch of times, Yes, I'm depressed about missing another chance to meet J & J, but it's more my terrible luck that has me down. In one week I lost my bird, Winchester, and then this. I mean, they have one week off between filming, folks, and IT'S THE WEEK I PICKED TO FLY OUT THERE!!!! And then I have to speak to Negative Leslie, who discouraged me from trying this again. But I won't let her!

Once again, Murphy's Law, which will shortly be changed to Robin's Law, has fucked me over.

Yesterday, Dan, Mike and I went to see HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I think Dan and Mike fell asleep during parts of the movie, but I was awake for the whole thing and loved it. When we got home, Dan and Mike put the new TV set on its stand and set it up. Then we moved all my eps of SUPERNATURAL from the DVR box to videotape because now that we have an HD TV, we have to get a new DVR box, too!

Saturday, we ended up buying a new TV set, for $2,000! No, I really didn't want to spend all that money, especially after my debacle with the plane ticket, but Dan has wanted a flat-screen HD TV set for a while now, and some store had a great sale on them, so we purchased it on our credit card, brought it home, had a bitch of a time cutting it out of the box because we couldn't get it out of the back seat of Dan's car, and left it on the couch while we went out to dinner.

So I have a week of vacation in front of me with nothing to do. Dan is trying to convince me to go to San Diego to the Comic Con, which is being held next weekend at the Convention Center. Jensen, Jared, and Kripke from SPN are going to be there, but it's going to be an insane asylum, wall to wall people, and just not my scene.

Why do all my plans end up going to shit? It's just not fair.

Love, Robin

PS - I just had to add this one bright note--over dinner at the diner Friday night, Brad told me he ordered the SUPERNATURAL calendar for me. Isn't that just so sweet of him?

It appears that the week I have locked in for my Vancouver trip, Jensen and Jared will NOT be in Vancouver! They will be doing a press junket in San Diego! So I checked my e-tickets and guess what? If I cancel, I will lose over $500. I can't believe it! Do you see what I mean when I say everything I touch turns to shit? I want to see if I can verify this by calling the studio when I get home later.

What really burns me about all this is that I contacted the studio in Vancouver via fax last week but never heard anything back--before I ever made the plane reservation! Oh, I could just just scream, cry and stamp my feet like a little baby. I thought J & J were returning to the studio this coming week, and they would certainly be there the week after that. But there's an event in San Diego called Comic Con the weekend of July 28th that they and Eric Kripke are attending, but I had no idea the entire preceding week was involved! SHIT!

I'm wondering if there's any way to change the reservation, but it seems there's no room for such a loophole. I did buy a kind of insurance, but it looks like I'd need a medical note to get out of it, and I don't know if I could get one. So it looks like I vacation in Vancouver without seeing J & J, or lose $500+.

That's my life, folks--cursed!

Love, Robin

My little bird didn't make it; he died yesterday. When I went outside to feed him yesterday morning, he was lethargic and uninterested in eating, so I sensed he wasn't long for this world. I was intensely sad. Dan knew Winchester's death was going to hit me hard and seemed annoyed with me, so I held back my tears until I was driving to work. I cried hard for a few moments, in guilt, in sorrow, and then it was over, but when we went outside into the muggy air for a fire drill, I left a message on Brad's cell phone to check on Winchester when he got home and let me know if he was alive or not.

When he called me later in the afternoon, I got my answer: not.

The sad thing was, he was fine the previous night, eating, healthy, and I got the impression he would soon be flying away on his own steam from our home. I couldn't help but wonder if feeding him spaghetti the night before hadn't overtaxed his little birdy body too much; perhaps the starch had stuffed up his tiny intestines and he couldn't get rid of it? I'll never know.

To everyone else, I guess Winchester was just a silly bird, but to me, he was, for a few days at least, my little bird son, and when I looked into his box and he saw me, he peeped madly. mouth wide open, begging for food. I feel I failed him, and that's a shitty feeling.

When I saw Tracey yesterday afternoon, I told her I feel I'm a bad luck penny, and when she asked me if I feel I'm cursed, I answered yes. I told her I'm apprehensive about my upcoming trip to Vancouver because EVERYTHING in my life seems to go wrong, and here I've left a message at the studio in the form of a fax (unanswered), and a voicemail message at Publicity (unanswered). My only son is diabetic, my parents died young, I have diabetes, my husband has diabetes and my writing career is littered with little but failures. So you tell me I'm not a bad luck penny or at the very least, cursed?

I know, it sounds stupid, but I'm nervous about taking this trip to Vancouver all by myself! And I'm pissed at myself for my nervousness. As I told Tracey, it's an adventure, or it should be! I'm going to have a chance to meet Jared and Jensen, and that is AMAZING! I can't pass this up! I'd be a total asshole!

I spent most of yesterday making arrangements for us to take a cruise. We've been having a terrible time getting one because it's way too close to August and little is left--or at least little in a reasonable price range. So our nine-day trip is costing nearly $3500, but we're going to Puerto Rico and two other stops it sounds like an amazing cruise!

Last night, Dan, Mike and I went to a free Kansas concert right in John J. Burns Park in our own town! I've always loved this group, but my feelings for them were renewed when they began using "Carry On Wayward Son" as pivotal music in SUPERNATURAL, specifically in the excellent, moving montages of season endings 1 and 2.

So I, along with hundreds of others, battled tons of traffic to sit in lawn chairs through this amazing concert, completely entranced, loving every second of the music, anticipating that they would play their biggest hits, "Dust in the Wind," and "Carry On Wayward Son" at the end. It's been very muggy here on Long Island, and a fog began to creep in, covering the ground (and audience) with such density and creepiness that even members of Kansas began asking us to make noise so they knew someone was out there.

They bid us good night without playing what we really wanted to hear, and we leaped to our feet, demanding "Dust" and "Son." (I really don't like the former song, only because it makes me feel insignificant.) They began playing "Dust in the Wind,", finished it, and then played the first strains of "Son." We jumped up, cheering crazily. They played "Wayward Son" and we all sang lustily along, pounding our hands together. I suddenly found myself with tears running down my cheeks and wondered if anyone else in the audience was thinking about Sam, Dean and John Winchester.

It was a wonderful concert made even better because I have new memories to associate with Kansas and "Wayward Son."

Love, Robin