Where to begin? I wrote Bob over at the Western Nassau VMF. If you recall, he dangled the hope of my getting a job there and getting away from Gary. Apparently both were taken, but did Bob bother letting me know, even knowing how much I wanted out of here? Of course not! That’s why I hate even the people I like sometimes, because they just don’t come through for me.

I saw Tracey yesterday. I feel weird about her now, too. When I went for my first appointment with her, at the HIP Center, I went to the pay window to give them my usual $10 co-pay. I was told there wasn’t any. So I, despite the fact that every week an invoice for Tracy indicating a $10 co-pay arrived in my mailbox, I assumed it was either incorrect or Tracy was just absorbing it. She never asked me for any money, so I assumed we were even in the pay column.

Then, last week, she tells me that she had a “service” doing her payment paperwork and since she wasn’t paying attention to any of it, I was supposed to be paying those co-pays! She said she would figure out how much I owe her and we’d “work something out.”

So that must mean I owe her somewhere between $600-700, huh? That doesn’t sit right with me at all. You can look at this a couple of ways. Sure, I should have called HIP in New York and asked—do I have a co-pay for shrink visits or not? Or was it that I didn’t have a co-pay for my FIRST visit, but did for all subsequent ones? Does Tracey have a right to back-bill me for all those co-pays because she wasn’t paying attention to her own accounting? Why didn’t her “service” hit me up for those co-pays a long time ago?

And yesterday, when I went to see her, why didn’t she hold out her hand and ask me for a $10 co-pay, now that we know I’m supposed to be paying her?

What this does is make me feel that her bottom line is more important than my mental health. Which makes me feel that maybe I should stop seeing her. I noticed that the last invoice that came to my house, she charged quite a bit more for my session last week than the session before, $40 more. Perhaps she’s decided to get her co-pays back that way? I don’t know. She did say that she bought a puppy, Lucy, from the puppy store across the street (puppy mill?—I hope not) and she will join our session next week. Hey, I think it will do me more good petting sweet, furry Lucy than talking to Tracey, in whom I’ve lost a bit of faith after this money incident.

I’m paying Nancy a visit from July 2-5, flying from Kennedy Airport to Buffalo. I’ve been really curious to see her new house, and I want to see how she’s doing now that she’s on antidepressants. She’s called me a lot, and I’m ashamed to admit when I see her number on caller ID, I don’t answer because I just don’t want to talk to her. Sounds mean, I know, but there’s a lot behind that. I can’t forget that talking to Nancy used to depress me terribly--all those lunches and breaks we spent together when she regaled me with horrific stories about her childhood. I used to return to my desk so down, I wanted to slit my wrists! I realized Nancy was desperately in need of medication, but knew it would take a crisis to get her on it. Sure enough, she collapsed on the job in Buffalo and ended up hospitalized for quite a while. She’s trying to collect disability retirement, but they’re fighting her on it.

Part of me is nervous about visiting Nancy. She tried to get me to extend my visit to a full week, and even offered to pay the fee to change my flight. I demurred. I think a short visit is best to start. She’s TOO eager to get me there, and insisted she wanted just ME there, sans Dan, at least this time. She keeps calling to tell me about a nearby house for sale, and how, if I like it in Buffalo, Dan and I can buy it and live there cheaply. I keep cracking jokes about her trying to keep me there, forever her friend, at gunpoint. I’ve told more than one person to contact the FBI if I don’t come back on my return flight as scheduled. Let’s hope it really IS a joke!

A few weekends ago, Anne came out by bus from Maryland to Manhattan. I took the LIRR and met her there, on the corner of Seventh Avenue and 34th Street. It was an extremely hot, muggy day, and poor Anne, who had broken her ankle a couple of years ago, wasn’t having an easy time walking and keeping up with me. We also had to keep ducking into air-conditioned stores to get out of the stifling heat. She treated me to tickets to a marvelous play, a musical version of LEGALLY BLONDE. We had seats way up, but it was still fantastic, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. The score was a real toe-tapper.

The day we met was Anne’s wedding anniversary; it’s clear she and her husband are having problems. I felt bad for her—and at the same time, more sanguine about my own marriage.

Love, Robin

I rescued Bugsy, a blind lhasa apso, from Last Hope, and kept him even after we learned he is a biter and will be one until the day he dies. I believe there is good in this little creature and in spite of his aggressive tendencies, want to give him a good home.

When my son became diabetic, I immersed myself in his care until his blood sugars and H1C's were as close to perfect as possible. I promised myself the night we learned of his diabetes that he would be a HEALTHY diabetic, and I fulfilled that promise.

I have collected and donated money to aid the American Diabetes Association many times in the past.

I have donated blood often. I have B+ blood and it gives me tremendous pride to know I can help others in this small way.

When Ronnie came to live with us, I befriended him, became his big sister, helped him with his homework and tried to boost his ego.

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Tonight is the season finale of SUPERNATURAL. Eric Kripke, the show's showrunner and creator, has promised us a killer ending guaranteed to have us tearing our hair out until the show premieres for its fourth season.

Dean has sold his soul to bring his brother Sam back to life, and now the bill has come due. Will Dean die and go to hell? Will Sam have to go evil to save his brother from the pit? The Winchester brothers have become so REAL to those of us watching the series, we certainly don't want Dean, who has saved the lives of many people, to die and go to hell. Nor do we want the sweet, good-hearted Sam, to have to sacrifice the wonderful man he is in order to prevent his brother from that horrific fate. So the question is, will good or evil win on SUPERNATURAL tonight?

I wrote the following in my dean_sam Live Journal on the internet for all the fans of the show who are counting down the hours until 9 PM tonight, anticipating and fearing what will happen:

I re-watched "Crossroad Blues" the other night, and I was thinking--Dean intervened in someone else's deal and got him out of it by trapping the Croosroads Demon under a devil's trap and forcing her to free him by promising to send her back to hell if she didn't.

Could someone do the same for Dean? Trap Lilith in a similar way and force her to release Dean from HIS deal or be exorcised straight back to hell? Or would something like that not work on something like her?

Sigh. Speculation is rampant everywhere. Fan fiction is rife with it. Boards and lists are bombarded with it. The fate of our beloved Winchesters does not rest in our hands.

It's finale night. Everyone is terrified for Sam and Dean Winchester, wondering what Kripke is going to do to them, and hence US, at the end of tonight's show. I'm assuming we're ALL going to be left tattered and broken, sobbing, screaming, with us perhaps shaking our fists at our TV screens, shrieking, "Kripke, you Magnificent Bastard, you've killed me! See? I'm lying in a heap in front of my TV set, dying, and it's all your fault! How am I going to survive until fall??"

I'll be watching alone tonight, but I know we'll all be connected in some way, gathering in a gigantic, comforting, group hug.

I love you all so much!

HUGS GALORE

Robin

I have decided that, since I tend to always think so negatively about myself, I should start a daily "pump up Robin's self-esteem" journal.

I'm going to say something positive I've done or mention an attribute about myself that I especially like. I won't stop writing about my whackadoodle life, of course, but you'll be seeing more entries from me, since I'm promising to post daily.

I gave birth to a wonderful son, Brad, on 4/24/83. He gifted me with some fabulous SUPERNATURAL merchandise for Mother's Day and made sure it was sent via overnight shipping.

I think that's a very positive accomplishment, don't you?

Boo yah!

Love, Robin

Brad and I visited my in-laws in San Diego from April 19-23. It was a short visit because they complain about us interfering with their routine; yet when I told them the dates we'd be staying, they complained because we were staying such a short time. I think you call that a no win situation.

Doris and Sidney are still tootling along. They're 85 and have been married 60 years. Imagine that--twice as long as Dan and me! Sidney told Brad and me that he has never regretted marrying Doris, and at the end of this year, he's going to quit his one day a week volunteer job to take care of her 24/7--even though that job keeps his mind sharp. Brad says he thinks Grandma makes herself appear to be worse off than she really is to guilt/force Grandpa into quitting the volunteer work at the hospital he enjoys (and which keeps him sharp). I would hate to think that's true, because it means Sidney cares far more about Doris' feelings and health than she cares about his. I wish she could see how much he needs that volunteer job and let him do it, even if it's only twice a month--just to keep his hand in and his mind sharp.

I was thinking how romantic Sidney sounded. He talked of how Doris had two men after her and that she chose HIM above them--and that he proposed after knowing her TWO WEEKS because he figured he'd better act quickly if he was going to win her. Win her he did! Funny thing is, he's never said any of this to Doris, and I wish he would, before either of them can no longer remember who the other is.

At GTM, Brad and I bought lots of chocolate candy and some clothing using coupons Sidney had, but on top of that, Sid sent us home with bags of chocolate truffles! Yes, I'm eating them and probably gaining a ton, ruining my blood sugar, but they're delicious and I don't care!

Before I forget, I have to mention that Brad got stopped at Kennedy Airport when we were going through the metal detector; his insulin pump set it off and they made him step aside so they could investigate. After detaining him for about 10 minutes, they finally decided his pump wasn't a bomb in disguise and let him join me. I was holding his shoes, carry-on, watch, phone, etc., and impatiently waiting for them to let him go, all the whole contemplating a lawsuit based on discimination against those with medical devices.

Delta's plane took off almost an hour late from Kennedy, so we got to San Diego that much later. I drove our rental car, a nice Hyundai, out of the lot and tooled it down a short ways into a gas station, where Brad and I exchanged places. He was our driver for the remainder of the trip, even though his name was no where on the rental agreement. He was only a couple of days away from being 25, but they would have charged me a LOT more to add him to the lease agreement. Brad was thrilled to drive, especially with the 65 MPH speed limit in San Diego.

After shopping at GTM, Brad drove Sidney and I to Mast Park Sunday afternoon, where we walked a bit, then sat on benches to relax. We were all tired, and the sun felt good. I lay down and snoozed for a little while. I'm sure I was suffering from jet lag.

Monday, Brad drove us on the scenic ride to Barona Casino. With our old cards, we got into the buffet for only $11 each, a real bargain compared to Atlantic City. Brad headed for a craps table with his money and I wandered over to try my luck at the slots. To my delighted astonishment, I found myself winning $500 at one machine! I raced to the craps table, but Brad was no longer there. Turned out he'd lost so badly, he went elsewhere, so I called him on my cell. He refused to believe I'd won 500 bucks, so I urged him to meet me at the craps table, which he did, and I waved my $500 receipt in his face. I cashed it in and started hitting dollar slots, making bolder bets, and before I knew it, I somehow hit it luckier and won a thousand dollars on one machine! Again, I had to call Brad on the cell to track him down, but when he again refused to believe my win, I told him to report to the craps table and see for himself. I gave him $200 of my winnings because he'd apparently lost most of what he'd brought to bet. So he had another $200 to lose, which he did. Not his day!

Yet it was mine; I walked out of the casino $1500 richer than I'd gone in! I have NEVER, EVER had that kind of luck before in ANY casino! Was it because I'd sat at the dollar machines? I don't know, but I was very pleased with myself. When Brad and I stopped at the Possabilities thrift shop afterwards to buy some nice used clothing, I purchased a bunch of shirts for Dan, wanting to bring him gifts since I'd done so well for myself. Brad bought lots of stuff, too, including some books for his friend Rachel. Nothing for Ali, not anymore.

Tuesday, Brad and I took the trolley to Seaport Village. John's ex-wife, Michelle, met us there. We hugged enthusiastically. She's a lovely woman, inside and out. We had a delicious Greek lunch outside by the water (I paid for all three of us, using a coupon Doris gave me). We talked, laughed, and then shopped together. Poor Michelle has had an off and on again relationship with Joe, but it's off right now, and she's sad and lonely. She hasn't even been able to make any new girlfriends since moving from NY to San Diego, and urged me to consider moving out there. She didn't stay long. Brad and I continued to walk and shop, having a terrific time together.

Will add more later!

Love, Robin

I didn’t even post an entry last week, how bad is that? First week since I started this blog that I neglected to post, and I feel shitty about it. I went to Orlando, Florida from April 4-7 for EyeCon, met Amy, one of my correspondents from the SUPERNATURAL on the WB web list, had a fabulous time as her roommate, and really should have posted about it sooner, when I could remember more.

Amy isn’t the best driver in the world, and we got lost driving from the airport to our hotel, but it gave us plenty of time to shmooze and get to know each other better, so I didn’t mind. She kept apologizing and I kept telling her it wasn’t necessary. I meant it, too; there was no hurry since events didn’t start at the hotel until evening.

It was hot the first day I landed (I took off in rain from NY at exactly 6:10 AM, just as Jet Blue promised, after a brief ride in a town car from Riviera Limo Service, cost, $62.40 including tip). Amy was waiting for me in the luggage pickup area holding up a giant sign with pictures from SUPERNATURAL; I was wearing my WATCH SUPERNATURAL t-shirt, which had been missing for about five months in the basement. We hugged enthusiastically.

Amy and I are very alike in many ways. For instance, once we left the room and BOTH of us forgot our room keys! She’s 38, unmarried, lives at home and works as assistant manager in Carters, a baby/children’s clothing store. She’s college-educated and could do better, but I gather jobs aren’t plentiful where she lives.

We got together with two other friends from our list—Karie, who made me a bunch of full-color SUPERNATURAL badges to wear, and Jace, a good-looking but overweight guy I immediately bestowed a bear hug on, as I’d promised in one of my e-mails to him. He is sharp, intelligent and funny, and I liked his wicked sense of humor very much. Karie is going to be a horse vet, and is going to be buying a house in Kansas for herself and her menagerie while she continues her veterinary studies. Jace works for the government with disabled people somehow. I never did quite understand exactly what he does for a living.

As far as EyeCon is concerned, the $65 spent on the cocktail party was a waste. I had a Diet Coke. I did wander around the room snapping photos of Jim Beaver, Samantha Ferris, the actor who played Andy Gallagher, and the actor who played Ash (Chad). We weren’t allowed to take photos WITH the actors because we were expected to PAY for those, so there was a type of policing going on that really pissed me off, preventing us from doing that. And pictures with the actors weren’t coming cheap, either!

I did a lot of waiting in line, but that’s the nature of the beast for these kind of events. I had to do a lot of it when I went to DARK SHADOWS cons, too. Problem is, I’m older now and less comfortable standing, thanks to the neuropathy and back pain. The longest wait was for the photo op with Jared. He was originally supposed to be there the entire weekend, but filming the show intervened, and he only spent about 11 hours total at the Con. As it is, he had a two hour breakfast with four ladies who paid a bundle to hang with him (via eBay and an auction held at the Con; two gals got him for $900 apiece). I think the eBay winners paid at least twice that, and they were supposed to flank him at the banquet dinner (horrible chicken for $85, and I got stuck at a table with Harry Potter fanatics, of all things!), but since he didn’t make it for that, they got him for breakfast on Sunday.

Amy went nuts in the dealer room! She bought cards, t-shirts, photos, and so many fanzines! I didn’t want to buy any of those, since there’s so much great fan fiction to read on the net. Why buy what you can get for free? I purchased two t-shirts, a few photos and that was about it. I brought plenty of money along with me, but since the trip itself was expensive enough, I felt guilty spending too much of it. I bought several of Amy’s meals since she refused to just accept cash from me.

Speaking of meals, Amy and I, or Amy, Jace, Karie and I ate breakfasts mostly in an IHOP just down the road from the hotel. Our hotel was attached to a mall, so we ate lunches in the food court there. The hotel restaurant was expensive, so why not take advantage of the food court with its many delicious choices? It’s a good thing we didn’t need to go outside much during the weekend, because the weather was continuously stormy, with frightening thunder and lightning flashing through skylights overhead. I guess it’s for the best I wasn’t there to visit Disney.

Our panel with Jared was hilarious. Lots of fans gave him presents, but they stopped that at the photo shoot, because it was slowing things down. He’s such a puppy boy, and so excited to be engaged to his long-time lady love, Sandy McCoy. She was there all weekend, and on Sunday I got her autograph and gave her a set of eight pretty glass coasters that had LOVE etched on them as an engagement gift. I also gave her a copy of my book, “The Snowman.” She accepted my presents with so much enthusiasm and gratitude! She is a bundle of nerves and energy onstage, all giggles and jumping around, and she entranced the crowd. Her first words to us were, “Sorry for taking Jared off the market!” One woman at my banquet table had a nasty comment to make about her, but I assume that’s just jealousy. There are also a lot of J2 folks who believe Jensen and Jared should be a couple, and Sandy is a usurper to that relationship. Get over it, people, the boys are straight and they’re not fucking each other except in your fan fiction!

The line to get a photo with Jared was the longest to wait on, of course. I conversed with some folks from Buffalo who knew I was from Long Island—my accent gave me away. LOL! We were seriously rushed through our photo ops because Jared had to catch a plane back to Vancouver, but when it was my turn, he slipped an arm around me, pulled me close and the two of us smiled. As I backed away, I reminded Jared about my visit to Vancouver when I gave him a basket, but he didn’t seem to remember me, which was kind of disappointing. Perhaps if I’d had a little more time to talk to him, it would have jogged his memory. He REALLY seemed eager to talk to all of us, but with so many waiting and so little time, it was just impossible. My photo actually turned out pretty great. My hair cooperated, for once! (I’ve since had it cut, since it was just a little too bushy for my liking. I also think I like it a shade or two lighter.)

After that, we were even MORE rushed through the autograph line, but I ended up with two autographs from Jared, one on the script I bought on eBay for over a hundred bucks, and one on the SUPERNATURAL Season 1 Companion book (the Season 2 Companion book just came out, and I’m bringing it on the plane to San Diego tomorrow for something to read).

Before I knew it, Amy and I went to sleep Sunday night, knowing we had to get up super early the next morning to get me to the airport to catch my insanely early plane. Unfortunately, the hotel-provided clock radio, which had worked for us every other morning, did NOT go off and we awakened much later than we’d planned to, forcing us to rush out the door. It all worked out, because by the time I was done with all the preliminary crap, it was time to board the plane. This Jet Blue pilot left right on time and even got us in early! Because I was one of the last in the airport, my suitcase was one of the first out, which was way cool. I contacted Riviera and had to wait in the chilly morning air with my suitcase for over 25 minutes. He finally showed up and drove me home in record time. I had the rest of the day to catch up on all the e-mail on my computer and pet Snaps and Bugsy, who were thrilled to see me.

After a completely boring work week, I’m off tomorrow on another trip—this time to San Diego with Brad to see Doris and Sidney. Two trips in one month! Call me Travel Slut!

Love, Robin